Empty Love

She Just Wanted To Be Loved

On the month of February, nearing the end of the month a young pisces was born to a cold cancer mother and an unexpectedly happy Capricorn father. This pisces was unplanned and very much unwanted by its mother. See the cancer had planned on giving birth to another baby boy to go along with her precious little libra. However, a very last minute call, the universe decided to switch the gender. This pisces had no idea what world it had been born into and definitely didn't plan on going through all the obstacles that were set up for her later in life. She was a sassy little girl and as she grew and experienced the world, she never truly understood hate or envy, she was a pure soul, a child. 

She tried her best to always become the best and come out on top because she wanted to make her parents proud. The mother and father she admired and looked up to so much. She quickly picked up on things and walked at 8 months old, began speaking at just 1 year old, and was fully potty trained by 1 and a half. However, this is when she began to feel a shift in her mother. The cancer always had high expectations, but the pisces was ready to put the work in and surpass all the expectations. With all these small accomplishments she had reached by the age of 1, the cancer began to point out her flaws. The cancer would always boast about how her little libra was potty trained at exactly 1 year old and how embarrassing it was that I didn't learn until I was 1 and a half. I never really understood the difference since I was still one and there was not much of a differences in our ages so I would try to just shrug off these comments.

Only being in this world for a year and every mistake and flaw was pointed out every chance the cancer had. But the pisces didn't give up, she thought to herself that she just had to try harder. As years progressed, the pisces was soon 4 and finally understood larger topics like love. She knew she loved everyone, and in her little heart she felt her purpose was to love everyone. Even those who she didn't know, even those who hated her, and even those who bullied her. She never truly understood the definition of hatred, and couldn't comprehend why some people were so selfish. 

Yet she continued her life loving every second of everyday. She especially loved her father the most, he seemed to always be around. He would encourage her and tell her how great all her tiny accomplishments were, along with many other people I came to know as family. At this age, she began to notice all those days that would pass, not a single one did the cancer spend with her. The pisces loved her parents so much and felt that she spent so much time with only the Capricorn and she thought of how her mother might have felt. 

She wanted to make sure everyone in her life was loved and appreciated, so she began to seek out her mother. She tried playing with her, impressing her, attempting as many talents as possible to connect with the cancer. She noticed her mother never hugged her, or hardly ever talked to her; so the pisces began to wonder why. She thought that maybe the cancer was just not as emotional as other people and she wanted to help her mother. However, she began to notice how the cancer treated her older brother (libra). She hugged him so tight, always encouraged and praised him, showed him off to all our family members, he would even get kisses something the pisces had never experience. 

At that moment, the pisces' little heart felt like it had fallen out her chest, she felt a huge lump in her throat and found it hard to swallow. She didn't know why she felt this way, she had never experienced this in her life before, this cold and empty feeling. The pisces straighten herself up and thought that maybe she needed to be just as impressive as the libra in order to gain the same love and affection from her mother. She began following in the libra's footsteps, they were best friends and he taught her everything he knew. She began skateboarding, racing with him and even playing basketball. 

The pisces became fearless and was so proud of all the things she had accomplished. She would out run all the little boys her age and even some older ones. She was a natural at sports and super competitive, it wasn't  long before many people noticed all her new skills. Everyone began to praise the pisces, she was just 5 years old at this time and could race and keep up with her 13 year old brother. However, the pisces was much more excited to show her mother, she didn't care what anyone else thought of her. She had done everything perfectly and just knew in her little heart that she would be able to get the same love from her mother as the libra had. 

So the day finally came, the pisces dashed out the door with the cancer and Capricorn following their kids to the car. The libra and the pisces were so excited to go to the park and show off all their skills. When they finally arrived, the pisces tried her hardest she ever did. Showing off everything she was able to accomplished in a number of days, excited and out of breath she jogged over to her parents to hear their opinions. The Capricorn had a huge smile on his face and praised both the kids, he saw potential in their athletic abilities and grabbed his baseball kits and dragged them over to the baseball field. 

The libra followed along, but the pisces stayed back for a moment to hear what the cancer thought about her skills. She was eager to know if her mom was impressed, if she had done good enough to win love from her. Waiting with a huge smile on her face, the pisces sat next to her mom and asked what she had thought. This was one of the first and few conversations the cancer had with the pisces by herself. She turned to look at the excited pisces and said,"I never wanted you, I never wanted a girl, you ruined my life". At that moment, the pisces felt her smile disappear, her eyes began to water up and blur her vision. Her heart felt like it froze up and someone had yanked it out of her chest. This was a different feeling from before, it felt like she was hated, unwanted, like she wasn't even supposed to be in this world. At that moment, she felt all the purpose in her life was slowly evaporating from her body and there was nothing she could do to stop it.