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High Hopes

Up until a few weeks into the junior year of high school I had never actually been in a legitimate relationship with a boy. Sure, I had two 'boyfriends' in middle school, but we barely talked to each other and I didn't even like either of them. I just was too afraid to hurt their feelings. Now one of them is an absolute weirdo and the other has been dating a good friend of mine for almost two years now. So for the rest of my high school career I was single and had a crush on a different boy every year, of course it was always someone who was graduating that year so my chances at having a boyfriend before I even graduated were very very slim. That is, until I started talking to him.

He and I had never really talked until that year when we were put in classes together. Sure, I knew him. He previously dated a girl on my basketball team and if I'm being honest I'll admit that I was more than slightly jealous of their relationship. Now, after dating him, I'm even more so because I've experienced what it was like to be his girlfriend and she had that for almost a year. Of course, I'm almost entirely positive that he liked her a lot more than he did me so I'm also sure that he treated her differently too, but in a good way.

We began talking more and more during our classes and eventually I got his number from a teammate so I could text him about a poster a friend and I were making for his senior night for football, which she accidentally left at home. About a week before the game my friends, one in particular, began to talk about how cute we'd be together and that she thought that he liked me liked me, but I brushed it off thinking it would be better not to get my hopes up, of course I didn't exactly discard the thought of us together either. Eventually we just started talking to each other like a couple before we were even officially dating. Of course, there's always some sort of catch. His just happened to be that he was one of the main people involved in the spreading of one of my teammate's nudes over the summer. There were people that I know that weren't very pleased at the mention of us together, but I didn't know him to be an awful person and it's not like that's going to be the reason why he never dates again, I just happened to be the one that he did after the incident. To this day we still haven't discussed the topic much and I'm not sure what exactly happened or how open he is talking about it so I've left it that way.

Looking back I realize that our relationship moved kinda fast and I'll take the blame for that simply because I was too caught up in the fact that someone was actually interested in me for once that I wanted to be one of THOSE couples, rather than slow down the relationship so what did happened probably couldn't of. Although we acted much more like a couple than the actual two months we were together it still feels like it lasted much longer.

Towards the end I sort of knew he was going to break up with me. Our conversations got really short and repetitive and at times we just sort of acted like "Yeah, we're dating, but that doesn't mean I'm going to put much effort into it since I don't have to try and get you to like me so much anymore since I already have you". And at the very end I felt like I was the only one putting forth effort into it and I was right. We talked one night and I found out that he had been feeling differently than he had when we first began dating and that it had gone on like that for a few weeks now. To this day I still sometimes regret being the one to start the conversation with him because he would have never brought it up probably and we could possibly still be together, but at the same time I don't want to force him into a relationship with me, especially if he's not all that into it as he was before.

For the first few weeks after we broke up we pretty much avoided each other, which isn't all that surprising. Turns out after having a conversation with him a little later he happened to think that I hated him the whole time. Which is partially my fault because I ran my mouth a bit at his game the day of the break up. And I don't hate him. He was never a jerk to me and we didn't end it in a fight, but I still could've watched what I said to my friends after it happened.

For the last week or so thing shave changed. We don't talk like we used to, but we're starting to again. I've been playing with this crazy idea in my head that he regrets his decision and is thinking about getting back together, but his reasons for ending it in the first place put that to rest. His mom talked to me in the store not too long ago and I texted him about it for five minutes after, but that's the only thing I had said to him over the phone in about a month. We have a conditioning class together at school and we lift twice a week. The other day a friend of mine told me that he was watching me when he was squatting, which I was unaware of because we were both squatting together next to each other. Although, I did think at the time about how cute a picture of it would have been had we still been a couple. I dismissed the idea my friend had though because it's not like you never look at someone after a break up. I'm just beginning to wonder what he really is thinking because we've both made eye contact at his basketball games and in classes a lot more often than before.

So now I'm lost.