An Unstable Mind

The Origin Story

I carry myself in a manner that generally
leaves me unapproachable. I have a small circle of friends in real life and an even smaller one online. That being said, only a handful of people know everything about me. Protection? Maybe. Self-sabotage? Most definitely. It's easier to be alone. The risk of opening up and learning to trust hardly matches the benefits. At least, that's my experience.

Bad childhood. Scratch that. I always say that. I think anyone who has gone through hell explains it that way and that's sad. Someone tells you they had a bad childhood and one can automatically assume the worse. It has become so common place that the assumption of abuse and neglect is no longer considered jumping to conclusions.

Yes, I had an abusive childhood. Alcoholism/drug addiction ran rampant in my household. My father was a tyrant and my mother was complacent. I'm not going to tackle that story as of yet but it's also a complicated one.

Abuse usually leads to one thing as you grow and if you guessed it, you're right. Trauma. You can either let it strengthen you or it can tear you down. Sometimes it happens simultaneously, if you're lucky.

I have borderline personality disorder and ptsd. It comes with moodswings, paranoia, night terrors, severe anxiety and panic attacks. Essentially, bi polar on steroids. Most people can handle it well and function throughout life like a semi-normal individual. Then there's ones who struggle everyday.

I was one of the ones that struggled. I followed my parents in their footsteps. Alcoholism, pill addiction, experimented with drugs, self-harm, and abusive relationships. If your body is a temple, I defaced mine years ago.

This little series of entries is not going to be a pity party, though. No, it isn't going to be me crying and lamenting about my fucked up life. Most if not all of what's wrong is due to my own decisions. Complaining about it like it's out of my hands is ludicrous.

I am in control. You are as well. You have the authority to live how you want, love who you want and be whoever you want to be. I'm nearly 30 and I still have no fucking idea what I want to be when I grow up. I will figure it out. You will figure it out. We will figure it out.

Life is short and we need to live it the way that makes us happy.