Bad For You

nineteen

"Ladies and gentleman. As you all know, the winter ballet is fast approaching."

Francis circles the room as he talks, and we all listen with rapt attention and bated breath, our eyes glued to his every movement. We've just finished barre work and I was prepared to move onto center like usual.

Instead Francis drops this bomb on us.

It's not as if I didn't know about the winter ballet per say. It's more like I tried to ignore it and pretend like it didn't exist and wasn't happening. The winter ballet was one of our biggest performances of the year. It would be a full-length narrative ballet with live accompaniment by the orchestra and music department, guest artists—both dancers and musicians—original choreography, professional costuming and production design.

Basically it was a huge deal.

My mother had been dropping causal hints about it but I refused to engage. Now with this official announcement began the start of a very stressful few weeks ahead.

"Do you who will be coming this year?" Svetlana asks excitedly.

Francis smiles. "I do. That however, is on a need to know basis. For now. All you need to know is that auditions will be coming up soon, and that you will need to work twice as hard if you want it to be a success."

There's a mixture of excited chatter and dread. I'm on the latter side. My stomach churns and I press my hand against it, breathing deeply. It helps a little, but my anxiety still racks up.

"You okay?" Priyanka asks next to me. We were slowly starting to become friends. Lucy and Noelle had become even tighter since her injury, leaving Priyanka out in the cold. I thought it was messed up how Noelle just tossed Priyanka to the side like she was nothing after years of friendship.

I force a smile. "Would you believe me if I said I was?"

Priyanka shakes her head. "No, probably not. I get it though. It's a lot of pressure. And you usually always get one of the lead roles."

"Maybe it will be different this year," I say, not sure who I'm trying to convince. I wouldn't mind being a background dancer.

However my mother would sooner die than allow that to happen.

Practice continues on like usual and when it's over I don't even bother changing. I just toss on my wrap and coat before hurrying out to meet Hannah at the front of the school. We were going to the antique shop.

"They want me to perform a solo," Hannah grips the steering wheel tightly. "Me! I mean I've done hundreds of solos before, but this is different. They want me to perform an original. At the ballet. Oh God, what if I fuck up?"

Looks like I'm not the only one under pressure here.

"You won't," I say assuredly. It's easier to make someone else feel better about their problems than my own.

"But how do you know that?" Hannah presses. "Huh? How do you know?"

I don't actually. We may very well all fuck up. That thought doesn't help much though, so I forcefully push it away.

"Because you're extremely amazing at what you do and you've worked so hard. So there's no way you could mess up."

Hannah exhales. "I just need to play my baby. Then I'll feel better."

We arrive at the antique afore and she parks the car. The bell chimes overheard as we enter. Immediately something feels off. It's like there's a huge gaping space in the shop. And that's when I realize.