FALLING OUT [ON HOLD]

Prologue

I have a perfect life, at least most of the people think so. I live with my parents, we're a small family.
Actually, not too small. I was born and brought up in my grandparents house, mum's parents.

My dad is always out of the state for his job.
So I grew up without him, there aren't much memories of my childhood with him. I used to be very scared to see him when he returned, because I wasn't that familiar with him.

But as I grew old I got habituated with it. I love my grandparents the most, more than my own parents and then my aunt, mum's sis. I'm much more like her compared to my mum, which seems to be a problem to my father. I'm so much attached to them since my birth.

I don't really know any of my father's relatives, except dad's mum and his youngest sister, my another aunt since he moved out of his house with mum within a year of their marriage due to some family issues.

Since then we've been living in our own house which Dad bought after leaving. But whenever dad's not with us we live with my grandparents, without him being known obviously. And when he returns taking leave, we go back to our home.

Sometimes it's not easy to handle both the families and their expectations. Sometimes we succeed, sometimes we fail terribly. And I'm the one who always gets pestered in between their differences. No matter how hard I try to stick them together they always fail me.

Still here I am, expecting that someday..like someday, I will be able to fulfill my wish of getting the two...my two families together.

I don't wanna chose any one of them, I just want them both by my side, forever...if that's ever gonna be possible in my lifetime. I have always loved my family, put them first on my priority list no matter what. But if only they could understand my feelings and get along just for the sake of me.

Just not this family issue I have a secret too...which happens to be the worst secret possible for any child, younger or elder. Which I don't think I can ever, literally ever in my whole life share with anyone other than myself.
Sometimes I'm frightened to share it with myself too.

It's a horrible nightmare which haunts me with open eyes also. Just the thought of it sends shiver down my spine, the remembrance of it makes me lonely in a crowd. Am I gonna forget this?

I wish I could, because keeping it inside is just swallowing me every single day.
Will I ever be normal?...like other kids of my age? I don't think so.

Because after seeing, what I've seen...going through, what I've gone through my entire childhood; that's impossible for anyone. Sometimes I feel myself guilty for it, as if I have surely done something bad that lead to this.

Though I know I haven't, but it's easy to blame yourself than to blame the person
who is so close to your heart that it aches to throw allegations on them, drag them into the mud and, prove them wrong and....hurt them, accuse them.

I just don't wanna go through that phase, maybe I am not strong enough to confront my problems...maybe it is the truth. But deep down in my heart I know...I know that I can't hate the people I am used to love, I can't judge the people I am used to adore. I can't.. I just can't, I'll never be able to.

I love them too much to hate them for their deeds.

So, I'm in a situation in such a young age that I am just gonna forget about what they did, forgive them and move on. There's no good for me to hold grudges.

But do I have any better option?..Hell NO. I don't have any other option left, neither better nor worse, I never had.

I always wanted a big, fat and happy family, like any other child would have wanted, I had that too...but before that. Before that everything was normal... I was normal, I was happy. I wanna regain that life.

I don't know if I can be my old self again, but I would like to wish.

Wish that someday someone will come into my life, who will take away all my burdens and free me from this guilt.
And make me HAPPY again...