Letters to my Anxiety

letter #1

(fair warning: these might be all over the place and talk about other aspects besides my anxiety, this is for me to personally see my ups and downs)

February 26th, 2021
Today would have been my grandmas 71st birthday, feeling a little all over the place tonight. My anxiety comes in so many waves all the time, I feel it in the back of my throat almost 24/7. You make me want to rip my brain out of my head. I am at a constant war with my mind and i'm so tired. So exhausted. I used to always say it was like all these bubbles inside my head, everything is always so blurry. It is still true because that's what it's like, bubbles and blur. Whether that be actual bubbles or thoughts, it keeps me up all night long. "Do they like you?" "Are you annoying them?" "Did you forget to do something?" "Do I have enough time?" Its constant it never stops, I say it's getting better when in reality it's usually always worse, I just hide it. I'm struggling tonight because I keep thinking of my grandma. This is her 5th birthday that she's not here for us to celebrate with her. Ive found ways to cope with her being gone, but sometimes missing her is too much. Someone who was my best friend my entire childhood is running around freely in heaven but I miss her so bad. Obviously, i'm happy she's no longer in pain because it was even more painful to watch her go through what she went through. Constantly tired, throwing up, extremely weak, falling apart. That image is engraved into my head but also the good memories are engraved in my head. Like how we used to build snowmen and get carrots out of the fridge and pebbles from the yard, or how we used to play beach in her basement and set things up as if we were having a beach day. So many small memories I have of her that I'm glad I still have. The only thing that sucks is I can't really remember her voice anymore, I wish I had a voicemail or video of her so I could remember. This is why my anxiety is so high tonight because I keep wanting her to be here, and wanting her to be proud of me. I know she's watching over me but I need a hug from her and her to tell me i'm going to be okay and that I will make it out of this.

-this letter is really short and all over the place but this is just a way for me to get my thoughts down, so if you read welcome hahah if you don't that's okay too.