The Moirai Bargain

Have you wondered how much longer you have left to live? Have you ever wondered what the rest of your life will look like? Have you ever wondered if you will die in peace or agony? Or if your fate is set in stone? Your destiny is not set in stone. Like anything else, the terms and conditions of your remaining life and the manner of death can be negotiated. Or, to be precise, gambled.

Before you can begin, you will need to find and acquire the following:

- As much Black Widow spider silk as you can harvest (This will serve as the thread)

- As much hair as you can stand to have on your head (This will serve as the binder. Be sure to have it cut and put into a ziplock bag by the barber)

- A six-sided dice to choose the manner of your death.

- Two quarters (One to pay admission, and the other to bargain)

- A cave to enter the underworld. Preferably one that is close by.

When you are ready to begin, go to the entrance of the cave. There you will find a fresh corpse. Place the quarter into the corpse's mouth. It will momentarily wake and offer you a torch. Take it and enter the cave.

As you step into the gaping maw of stalagmites and stalactites, muggy darkness threatens to devour you and your torch. As you venture further into the void, somber crystals jut from the rocks like long-dead stars and offer the only glimmers of hope. A sharp and icy wind meanders throughout the labyrinth of caves. It carries the inane babble of those who have lost their way. If you find yourself stumbling from time to time, know that you are tripping over the unfortunate. Some of the corpses will be scattered upon the ground, barely visible through the sea of cockroaches, tailless whip scorpions, and snakes feasting upon them. Others will be ensnared in webs spun by giant black widows, bracing themselves to become a midnight snack.

No matter what you find, there is no turning back. If you turn back now, then you will never discover the way out. Keep trudging through the deep, grand, and narrow. Keep floundering through the swarm of terrified bats. Keep scraping through jagged tunnels of rock. Keep your head and torch above the murky waters. Keep going until you wander too far and too deep, and keep going until your torch is extinguished. All will go silent. Wait. In an ephemeral wash of blinding light, three voluptuous women, one blonde, one brunette, and one redhead, will appear. These are the Moirai. The time for bargaining has come.

Offer the first fate black widow spider silk harvested from the outside world and ONLY black widow spider silk from the outside world. She will know if you are trying to con her. You don't want to trick her. She will begin spinning the thread. Ask her, "What is the span of time?" and flip the coin. If it lands on heads, you will find out. If it lands on tails, then you'll be gift-wrapped in spider silk and fused into the webs. The first Moirai will tell you how much longer you have to live. Depending on how much spider silk you have offered, you can expect anywhere from an extra day to an extra century.

Offer the second fate the ziplock bag of your hair. She will begin measuring the thread. Ask her, "What is it like?" and flip the coin. If it lands on tails, you will find out. If it lands on heads, you'll drown in the sea of bugs. The second Moirai will tell you if things will get better for either you or your loved ones. But if you ask her how things will go for both you and your loved ones, then you'll burn to death. Depending on how much hair you've offered her, you can expect anything from a life beyond your wildest dreams to a life fueled by despair.

Offer the third fate the six-sided dice. Ask her, "What is the manner of death?" and flip the coin. If it lands on heads, you will find out. If it lands on tails, you will join the terrified bats. The third Moirai will offer you six ways to die. The first will be death by sleep, the second will be death by car accident, the third will be death by bullet, the fourth will be death by fire, the fifth will be death by torture, the sixth way will be death by drowning, and the final way will be death by dementia. Choose a number and roll the dice. Whatever number appears is how you will die. She will cut the thread. Thank the Moirai for their time and knowledge, then close your eyes.

You will wake up in your bed, safe and sound, now knowing that your fate is set in stone. If your fate is an extraordinary one, congratulations. If it is a shitty one... my condolences. Either way, you cannot contact the Moirai ever again. If you attempt to bargain with them a second time, then the time you have left on this mortal coil will either be halved or doubled. You will also no longer know how you will die. Like anything else, the terms and conditions of your remaining life, and the manner of your death, can be negotiated.