My diary

A Fallen Angel

Warning this story contains sensitive topics

If you are suffering with suicidal  thoughts, please get help, you are getting loved  and you are NOT a burden, you matter!!

"Hey I tried to call you, but you wouldn't pick up, so I came- Oh my God Liam what are you doing??" Amber runs to him and puts his cigarette away, she puts his headphones down and asks him: "Liam, what are you doing? What would your parents think about you when they would see that you are smoking? This is dangerous and it is so unusual for you to smoke. I thought out of all people that I know, you would never smoke or hurt yourself!" 

Liam looks at her with his red eyes and slides to the side. He taps on his window sill and says with a broken voice: "Sit down and I will explain it to you." Amber gets over the window sill and sits down, as she looks down, panic runs through her body. One push and she or Liam would fall to their deaths. If they were lucky they would only break their bones and get paralyzed. "Li-Liam are you sure it is safe to sit here? We are in the eighth floor, we could die if we are not careful enough." "That is the whole point" he interrupts her. Amber looks at him shocked. Liam starts to speak:

"Just listen, okay? 

Like everybody you think that I am this happy smart kid that has the most bubbly personality of the whole school. I am this typical nice guy, always helping other, putting other before myself, always smiling and acting perfect. Well that is all a lie, a mask that I put on everyday, so people like you won't notice that my only thought is to put a bullet in my head. But I don't blame you, for not seeing my messed up head. I try to lie to myself every day that I am fine. Liam you are completely normal, you have no suicidal thoughts, you are god damn perfect! But it doesn't work, because I know I am just lying to myself,to you and everybody I love. 

Do you want to know why I am always there for people? 

It is simple, I don't want anyone to feel this way. I don't want anyone to feel sad, depressed, anxious or any of these shitty emotions which make me wish to just drown in my own tears. I know how it is to have no one to talk to and even if you are always here to listen to my stupid problems, I don't want to feel like a burden to you or anyone. And my ego won't let me visit a therapist even if I know that I need one. I couldn't tell people that I am mentally ill. They would call me weak, because I can't fight against them myself. My parents would probably scream at me and wouldn't even try to understands why I need a therapist in the first place! 

It is much more easy to just sit here, smoke and watch how I could die with only one move. This is the only time where I still feel human. This is the only time where I still feel any emotions. Right now you only feel fear, Amber, but I feel happiness, fear, regret and so much more feelings that you can't even imagine!"

As Liam finished talking, Amber hugs him tightly with tears in her eyes. "Liam, I- I didn't know you felt that way. Please don't give up fighting, you are not weak when you live through depression or anxiety. Reaching out for help isn't weak. Showing emotions like this is the opposite, Liam. You are brave to even tell it to me. Please don't give up! There is still so much to live for!" 

"I am sorry, Amber! But I already made my decision. You were a good friend to me! Goodbye!"

With that Liam takes a last pull out of his cigarette and lens over. As he falls, he feels finally free. With his eyes closed his other senses are stronger than ever. For some seconds he feels a strong pain through his whole body, but then there is nothing.

"NOOO LIAM!" Amber screams, almost falling forward. She immediately calls 911, but they came to late. 

Another victim to suicide, 

A fallen angel.