J+S

Dear J

Dear J, it's been almost a month. Twenty days really but it still feels as fresh as ever. Every day is like a drawn out haze. I'm walking around like a zombie trying to remember the touch of your hand against mine but all I can seem to remember is her face.
Because even after all of it - every "I love you" every day I cried to you about my life and every "I promise I'll take you away from it my love" you still loved her more.
all of the time we had and it took but a week for her to hold your heart in her hands like I once had.
I can forgive it j, I really can. I can forgive the fact you gave your heart to another.
But what I cannot forgive is letting me believe in our future.
I spent hours thinking about the children we would have, the names that you had picked out for them. The hours I spent on us - you had spent telling her all of the pretty little things you'd once whispered to me over the phone at obscene times in the morning j.
I suppose I didn't deal with it all too well, I remember on Halloween- the first time that I'd ever let you break my heart. I promised myself I'd never beg you to stay again. But I broke the only promise I'd ever made to myself you see, Because j I begged you not to leave after finding out about her.
Because I'd rather have you in my life as a cheater than out of it as the only man I'd ever loved.
These days because I sleep so little that there's a moment in the morning just when I first open my eyes that I can still feel you next to me, I check every morning for the texts you'd leave when you woke up- because it was always earlier than me. But they never come.
I find myself still worried during the day, because you were never good at not getting hurt at work. All the burns and cuts on your hands that needed my kisses to get better, I suppose I needn't worry because she's kissing them better now right? But part of me hopes that they don't get better without me, that my kisses meant as much to you as they did to me but I know it's just a silly fantasy.
The funny thing is no one knows how much I'm hurting right now, after our last phone call ended I stopped crying. I joked about it with my friends - about your new haircut because to be honest j. You do look a little like a penguin right now.
But penguin or not l'll still love you like I do until my last breath because it's what I do.
I laugh about the fact you gave me an apology, a half assed apology with some money through PayPal. It's the only time I genuinely laugh anymore because j- even for you that was a dick move.
The only thing I don't try to laugh about are the things you said to me. My nana always told me dreams are important but every single time I dreamt about you cheating on me you told me the same thing.
"Baby, don't be silly I love you so much, my love, you can trust me enough to tell you if I ever felt any different right?"

And I did j. I really did. I thought that after The months we'd spend trying to heal from my past you'd understand enough about my heart not to scar it by giving me false reassurances.
But I guess you never really knew me at all because as I begged you not to leave you told me not to do anything stupid j.
And I almost laughed because there was almost nothing more stupid in this world  than loving you, and I'd already jumped into that one headfirst so there was no doubt in my mind I couldn't sink any lower.  But I was wrong.

Stupid really came half an hour later when you cried to me down the phone, telling me how you'd broken your skin out of guilt and I sat there - after having my heart ripped out of my chest. Comforting you for the pain you were feeling at that moment. Just because even in those hours your attention meant more to me than my own heart did.
That j, was the stupidest thing I could ever do.