today felt like any other day. the sun was shining, my warm covers nestled up under my chin. but when i opened my eyes, i knew what i had to do. when i got out of bed, the wood floor was too cold on my feet. my knees ached, as if i had just run a marathon the day before. my brain had an itch, like an insect was walking up and down in my skull. as i opened my door, it creaked too loudly.
i walked out to my kitchen to make myself some breakfast before my daily morning walk to the lake. it turns out i had run out of eggs, which upset me slightly because i was going to make myself some scrambled eggs. but i pulled out a bowl, and made myself some cereal instead. the milk was a little too warm. "this day has started out rather terrible, dont you think?" i said to my dog, a clueless chihuahua who was just waiting for some extra cereal. i put my bowl in the sink, and got changed for work. my khaki pants and plain black shirt looking extraordinarily boring this morning. i slipped my shoes on, said goodbye to my dog, and walked out the front door.
the autumn air was crisp, and it bit at my skin as i began my walk towards the lake. i took a path through the forest right next to my house, the sweet smell of pine filling up my nose as i crunched through the freshly fallen leaves. the birds were singing a beautiful song of loss and grief as i remembered my wife, who had passed to cancer the year before. i had not been able to get over that loss, and in turn it had spun me into a terrible depression. i was lost and could not be found. inside of me i could not even recognize who i was. the world held no meaning anymore. so as i walked down this path, towards this beautiful blue lake, i wanted my last thoughts to be of my wife. the most beautiful creature to ever grace my fragile, short existence. the last words she said to me were, "honey, heaven looks so pretty from here." all i have been able to think about for the past year was how much i wanted to believe her.
the lake looked breathtaking, its bright blue water rippling with the light breeze and the evergreen trees swaying in the distance. the birdsong changed to one of sorrow, the melodic tune sounding like the color blue, and green. just like the lake. her favorite sight to see was of the lake. i wanted it to be the last sight i saw before i saw her again. my beautiful sorrow.
i walked towards the sand, and as i walked i took off my shoes, and my socks. the sand was warm and dry, tickling my feet as i walked closer to the water. i dipped my big toe into the water first, feeling the cold bite of the freshwater lake, and knowing this is how it had to be. i put my foot in, and then the other foot, and i started walking. i just kept going, and i was not able to stop. i could only think about my wife, and all of the times we swam together in this lake. together. that is all i can think about. "we will be together again." i say out loud to myself, hoping against all hope i can see her once more.
the water reached my hips, my shoulders, my chin. i could not feel it. i have not been able to feel for a long time. i kept going, the last sight i saw was a butterfly, her favorite, landing on the water. my head goes under, i dont even take a breath.
i close my eyes and never open them again. i can feel myself sinking, and sinking, finally hitting the bottom. my chest burns and my body longs for a breath, but i do not. the tranquility of the water speaks so many words to me, words that have no end and no beginning. words that smell like pinetrees, and of vanilla, just like her. i am at complete peace. my mind starts to slip away, slowly at the beginning, but then in all of the black, i disappear.
i can feel everything, and i can feel nothing. the pressure of the water is gone. instead i feel insignificant. like a drop of rain, or a star in the sky. "this is not heaven" i think to myself. i try to open my eyes, but i find that i cant. i dont have a body, or a mind. i am alone. the kind of alone that will never cease to end, or cease to begin. i am nothing. i will never see her again. i am filled with anguish i cannot bear, but cannot escape. forever.
