Tormenting Love

Pain is the Price to Pay for Love

        What you  are about to read is a story...well...not exactly the type you'd expect to read. But a story nonetheless. I think I now understand the ultimate pain where romance is involved. To me, the most painful thing isn't that there is a break up that ultimately ends the relationship of two people. It is the fact that you cannot have the one you desire, and thus are forced to get over it. Some of you might have felt this before, and you understand this pain. For some of you, it's easy to let people go. Unfortunately for me, I cannot. For the man I love has brought a great impact into my life, and understands me from the inside out. This is the story that will forever remain in my heart. I will continue to love him at the cost of pain that I bring upon myself.

"It's like there's cancer in my blood, it's like there's water in my lungs

I can't take another step, please tell me I am not undone"

-The Amity Affliction- Pittsburgh

        It was two years ago, in June 2013. I had met him. At first I hated his character. He seemed cocky and arrogant. Even felt it was amusing to make fun of people for various things. I didn't feel motivated to talk to him, but I ended up doing so. Over a period of time I got to know him a little better, and my negative views on him soon neutralized, and then became positive. What was so remarkable about this man was the fact that he seemed a lot like me. He felt the same, for he admitted to me that I reminded him of his younger self, me being 4 years his junior. I remembered one day someone had told us that we'd be cute as a couple. While I denied it for claiming to not know or be interested in romance, he denied it for claiming I wasn't his type. It didn't bother me, for I didn't care back then. I only saw him as a friend.

        The first time he sought help from me was when a woman was madly in love with him, and hardly knew him. She would message him everyday, and within four days or so she had asked him to date her. Eventually this relationship never formed, for he didn't know her, and didn't feel a thing for her. He had thanked me, and I felt glad I could help. She would boast to me that she had recognized him as a brother, and that she would be with him everyday. Eventually, that never happened. for she had disappeared.

        There came a time. My darkest hour. I won't go into depth of my background, but it was so potent and vile, that I had the need to go away from the world as a whole. Death is what I looked at. I sought help from him instead, and the words he told me were so beautiful, that at once I had forgotten what the word "death" even meant. "Death is fair and calm, life is unpredictable and tempermental. It is not Death whom you should fear coming for you in the night, but Life leaving you in the day." Now it was my turn, and he acknowledged me as his little sister, while I acknowledged him as my brother. I've always wanted an older brother, and he was perfect for it. He was so kind. Whenever someone was mean to me, he would make sure they never did it again. I remember we were playing League one day, and another guy wsa playing with us. He had called me a "Bitch", and my brother instantly responded. "Excuse me?" he growled, making the other guy instantly apologize. He would threaten anyone that posed a threat to me. When I was running a fever, he would sternly tell me to go rest, or to take care of myself.

        The turning point was when I was threatened to have my phone taken away forever. My father was very upset with me, and had thought I engaged in a relationship. The truth is, I didn't. He however didn't believe me. When my parents had gone out for the day, and I was prepared for them to come back, he had told me over Skype that he was willing to talk to my father despite hating him as much as I do, and showing him how he is so contradictive to say that I need friends, and need to learn how to talk to guys, but not actually talk to one. He was going to such a great extent just to make me happy. This is when my heart was rekindled from the icy flame which now burnt hotter than the fires of hell. The new feelings came in. I started to desire him. I wanted him. I wanted him to see me as something more than a sister. For 8 months, I've been silently admiring him. I do not dare make a move, for I still feel what he had said about me then applies till today. Previously I was cold hearted, and now because of him I have blossomed, and he told me this. I told myself that he wouldn't ever see me that way. However, it threw me off when he begun to say goodnight to me every night, and say "I love you" every day. Love. Me. I am a fool to let myself fall for the sweet temptations that my heart beats vigorously for. I have been told many times to make my confession. What hurts is not rejection. What hurts is him distancing himself from me because of the non-mutual feeling he may host.

        Whatever the case is, I will not risk it. He cares about me a lot. I care about him a lot. He has found comfort in me to the point where I hear his personal problems. From experience in my everyday life I know that I'm not a very likeable person for whatever reason that may be. For him though to  admit that he is interested in me(romantic or not I know not), gives me a reason to love him. I had consulted a friend that knew him as well as I did, and she made me question myself. Is it love that I feel, or sheer happiness? Do I desire his soothing voice to whisper words of comfort in my ears? Do I desire to feel his lips against mine? Or do I desire the comfort he brings, because he is understanding? I thought about it...and came to the conclusion that yes, I wanted to be wrapped in his protective arms. Yes, I want to be able to lean on him when I'm sad. Yes, I want him to whisper to me that life is going to get better.

        Lately, however, he's been getting more distant. Whether my friend had told him or not I know not. I asked him if he was alright, and he claimed that it was just (his personal problems). I knew that I am not much of a person to bring comfort, and apologized for not being able to help a whole lot. Instead of saying that it was alright, he told me that just talking to me made him reliefed. Everytime he showed his appreciation for me, it seemed that my heart would burn each time. It tempted me to call out to him. To confess my undying love for him. I may be in love, but I am no fool. I neglected my heart's desire, and it costs me pain. I have never been so hopelessly in love before.

        If by fate he stumbles upon this work, then know, my dearest friend, that I shall not ever commit to my feelings. If I am truly in love with you, I will not ask you to return those feelings. You may acknowledge my feelings, but for my sake, I will not do anything about those feelings. They will remain, and I shan't act upon them. Not until I know that those feelings are mutual between us.

Till then, let me bear the greatest burden to possibly put its weight on my shoulder. It is the price to pay for loving him. The charges for me is pain and love. I do not want to taint the relationship I hold with him, for if I did.....what will become of me?

"Let me give you my heart, let me give you my tears

Let me give you my life, let me give you my fears"

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    -The Amity Affliction- Open Letter