Romanticizing heartache

should i stop!

my name is blaze! and today i saw this tweet that you put your name into this "unsentproject" thing and it shows you like things people have said about people with your name. as i read the messages for my name, i thought to myself that a lot of these seem like they could somehow be related to me or about me. however, after thinking about it, i think it's more so that there is no possible way any of those are about me. they're probably aren't too many people named blaze, but i just think it's probably more likely that we all go through some heartache and a lot of it is shared or related to or felt in some way. i think that we don't realize this because we like to romanticize the heartache we feel. i think we like to convince ourselves that any heartache and pain is exclusive to us and our experiences and isn't something that's shared among most people. i'm not sure why we do this, or if it's even necessarily a bad thing but i think it's a thing people do.

i was originally going to romanticize my own heartache, and write out this huge conflict i had with my friend. she thinks that i fucked up and admittedly at the time i thought i really fucked up and kinda back pedaled a lot. if you asked me yesterday, i would probably say that i shouldn't have backpedaled and should've stood my ground and validated my feelings. today if you ask me, idk what id say. i'm not really sure how much i care who's fault it is or who was more in the right or the wrong. i think either way i'm glorifying the sadness i was feeling. i remember feeling horrible at the moment for saying the things i said to her and just beating myself up about it and i think i weirdly did it almost exaggeratedly. almost like i wanted to be sad and feel like a shitty person. i'm not really sure why that is, but i'm glad i realized it. but i also remember feeling angry for something she did and trying to validate my anger on a person who i deeply love. idk. this is like the objective blaze talking lol i really don't know how i feel about it. i want to talk to you about it. i really do.

i'm not really sure where any of this is going. i just haven't written about anything that's not school related in so long.

one more thing before you go i guess lol it's more of a question than a thing to hold onto. (this is not in anyway interesting or compelling and it's been said thousands of times i just want to know opinions) if you love someone in an intimate way or a deep way or a relationship way, however you say it lol, and they love you as a friend, can these two people coincide? is it possible for these two to be good friends and have a good relationship? or is one always uncomfortable with the other in some way? is one person always thinking the other is being too close or pushy? or is the other thinking that they're being too far and distant? i really have no idea. this is my problem. i care about this person way too much. maybe more than you should anyone who's not your mom or your dad at my age lol but i do. and i keep telling myself that it's worth being friends with her and it feels like it. it does. i have amazing experiences with her and i love being with her and i would never be anywhere else but with her. but obviously it's not reciprocated. not to say that she doesn't love me back but it's not the same. it's like when in the office (i hate that i'm alluding to the office) when pam goes "jim you don't know how much our friendship means to me" and jim goes "don't do that". that's it. that's what it is. is it worth that? how long do i be jim? how long does she be pam? because it's been 3 years so i really don't know lmao.

would it be better to cut this person out of my life forever?

every time i try to cut her out, i always feel i'm over her and then i reach out to her and it comes back. every. time. and how can i cut this person out of my life. this person who i feel is the only one who knows me. even when i was so mean and angry to her, she said "i know you wouldn't say anything malicious and mean to do harm to me." even though the things i said read very maliciously.  she is the only person who knows me so well. but is that a reason for attraction? is there just a comfort in there being someone who you don't have to slowly introduce your whole conscious and being to? i'm sure there is, but i'm also sure that the comfort is not why i so deeply care about her.

she is the only person that i can picture in my head. i can vividly see her in my brain. she is very distinct to me. her smile is the best. i miss her. but. it is unhealthy.

i tell myself that "oh she kinda seems interested" or "is something different?" nothings different. nothings ever different. it will never change. my words and actions can only do so much. i am so exhausted. i feel as if i can never be that deeply connected to anyone. this way i cannot be hurt in that way and i also do not have the emotional energy at the age of 20. the dad at the end of call me by your name got the age wrong i guess.

should i stop?