my thoughts

3/3/2021

i have a 21% in health that i've been working on in my room since i've got home and every chance i get at school. my mom just found out about it and was screaming at me. it really makes me wonder if she thought i was proud about it or something. like she thought i wasn't ashamed of it already. i'm ineligible because of my grades and she doesn't think i'm working my ass off? ineligible means that if i were to have a musical performance i wouldn't be able to do it. i also don't have good grades in english or chem but i've also been working to try and get them up. it makes me wonder if she knows that i look at my arms and feel ashamed yet i do it when i get the chance to in the shower to relieve all of the pressure that's on me and inside of me. does she know that i get anxiety/panic attacks whenever i get less than an 85 on a test because i know she's going to yell at me more. does she know that i can't talk to adults or people with more power than me because i've been traumatized from when she screams at me. does she know that i always feel like i can't trust people because when ever i tell her something she throws it back in my face. does she know that i don't think i can make it past 17. does she know that all but three of my friends that live around me have slowly pushed me out of their lives because of a reason i don't know. does she know that i only trust people that i've grown up with or people that live more than 45 minutes away. does she know that i was raised by someone two years older than me because she was always at work or yelled at me for breathing wrong. does she know that my aunt plays a bigger role in my life than her because i'm scared to talk to her. does she know that i haven't actually cried in weeks and i cut myself to let go. does she know that i can't trust myself alone in public places because i always think i'm going to mess something up. does she know that the scars on my body aren't paper cuts or from falling on concrete. does she know that i'm obsessed with a man who doesn't know me and is 11 years older than me because his music is the only thing stable in my life at this point. does she know that my grades are so bad because i stare off into space thinking how much i don't want to be alive anymore. what the fuck does she know.