Diary of a Self-Harm Victim

Watch Yourself

RECAP:

He grips your hand harder and you open your eyes to see him reaching for your sleeve again. Your first instinct is to flinch away but he stays determined and slowly inches forward until he pulls down your sleeve to reveal your shoulder, and you let him. He gasps at the sight before him. Your bottom lip quivers in embarassment and self-hatred.

He traces every scar he can see on your shoulder with solemn eyes and a trembling hand. You look ahead of you at the wall and stay quiet.

~*~*~

He shifts behind you and you think hes getting up to leave. Lips kiss your bare shoulder on the square inch where the scars are the worst. Your eyebrows furrow in confusion and when you turn you see a tear trailing down his cheek, and a frown on his beautiful face. "Please be honest with me. And trust me. That's all i ask."

You search his face for a sign he might change and break your heart on the spot. Seeing none, you nod in compliance. He grabs both of your hands and holds them tightly.

"Are there more?" Your eyes widen at the question before you look at your lap and nod. He lifts your head again, "Show me?" he asks with a clear pain in his tone. You hesitate, but let go of his hand and stand up beside the bed. He watches your every move. You unbutton your jeans and slide them off. You lift your shirt up and over your shockingly calm body before dropping it on your jeans.

His eyes tear up at the revelation of a hundred scars and cuts on your thighs and thirty cuts - healed and fresh - scattered on your abdomen under your bra. You turn around and let him see the expanse of scars covering both shoulders for a moment. Turning back to face him, he has endless streams of tears flowing down his strong cheeks. You feel ashamed and guilty that you upset him. Your fingers twitch for the security the blade brings you, and he sees the movement.

"Why? Why do you do this to yourself?" he looks broken. Its taking every ounce of your self control to keep from running to your bathroom and grabbing that blade inder the sink rim. Your eyes flick to the photo album on your bookcase, to your bathroom door, and back to your boyfriend sitting on your bed waiting for you to answer. Your toes move the slightest bit and your cuts start to burn for the cool metal. One more look at him, and you run to the safety of the bathroom. You lock the door just before he realizes whats happening and gets up to follow you. Your phone buzzes on the counter with a text from your mom saying she and your father are going out and wont be back for a few hours. You throw the phone to the floor and the screen cracks.

Just when i want you to stay, you have to leave? Your boyfriend knocks on the door and calls your name, startling you. "Please open the door baby. I don't want you to be aafraid, i want to talk about this." He pleads with you as you pace and fidget looking at the sink the whole time. "Baby, please come out, dont do anything stupid in there. Baby, i want to help you, but i cant unless you open the door." You stop pacing and grab the blade taped to the bottom of the sink. You sit on the side of the tub and start to cut your wrist - one, two, three, four, five - you count each bleeding gash as you form them.

He's banging on the door now, calling your name and begging you to come out. You look at the lock as it jiggles with the force being put on it. It keeps moving just the slightest bit towards unlocking. You slash again, higher up every time - six, seven, eight, nine, ten - you reach your elbow and stop to cry. You drop to the floor in desperation to keep the feelings away, but with every pound on the door, every word coming from his mouth, you get swallowed up a bit more. You scream, "Go away, please. Just leave me alone!"

The door handle jiggles one lst time and he barges inside the bathroom looking frantically. He spots you almost immediately and rushes to your cabinet, grabbing a towel. Kneeling beside you, he wraps your arm and squeezes it to stop the bleeding. You cry harder and start to rock back and forth as he pulls you to his chest. "Oh God, what were you thinking? Baby let me help, please, just let me help you?" He begs you as the two of you rock together on the bathroom floor.

You cry in his embrace, getting tired and numb from the exhaustion and blood loss. Your wimpers grow quiet until you become silent. He looks at you before shaking his head and picking you up. He takes another towel and walks you into the bedroom, placing you on the edge of the bed and going to your closet for a big shirt and shorts to put on you. He comes back and takes in your slouching form and droopy eyes before switching the towels and dressing you.

You get sleepier by the minute, even with him carrying you down the stairs and placing you in his car.Just as he starts the engine and pulls out of the driveway in a hurry, you black out.