I'm Not Okay

Prologue: Sugar We're Going Down

Jimmy was starting to think that having a crush on his loud and obnoxious bleached blonde friend was the utterly worst thing that could have ever happened in the history of bad things happening. Because Dutch Van Der Linde was DEFINITELY NOT into him...  

And what's worse, is that Dutch saw him as just some annoying tag along. 

So he decided, to avoid the next crisis, he decided not to mention it... so when Dutch, who always showed friendly affection for the others, by wrapping an arm round their shoulders in a semi hug, did the usual thing to Jimmy, the brunette suffered without telling his friend the truth. Sitting beside Dutch, wrapped under his arm, he thought the situation could be worse. 

Dutch obviously thought something was wrong though, because he started asking questions like "You okay there buddy?" To which Jimmy blinked at him, rather close and confused, looking a bit dazed. 

"What's so interesting about the fire, huh?" Jimmy glanced up at his friend "What?" "You've been staring at that fire for like almost thirty minutes, man, what's going on? Is it stuff at home again? Cause give me the word and some time and I'll kill the bastard for you, buddy," if Dutch's hand clutched the other boy closer, nobody said anything about it, though Bobby's perceptive gaze fell on the slight touch the bleach blonde gave the brunette... a closeness that Dutch never showed anyone else. 

Jimmy shook his head, feeling sick, and turned back to the fire which was a bad move as his bruised face came into view in the firelight and Dutch's fingers instantly traced the blue and red blotches and swollen spots on the other boy's cheek "He did this to you?" The blonde gritted out while Jimmy involuntarily hissed in pain "He doesn't mean it when he does... just, just leave it Dutch," he stated, guiltily looking away, the others fingers against his cheek felt — right — honestly, if he was being honest with himself, every touch was welcomed, Dutch was welcomed... he was — safe and a comfortable person in Jimmy's life, a constant, maybe you could call him a security blanket of sorts... 

The blonde's fingers traced the bruises once more before he involuntarily pulled the other boy against his side and ran his hands over his shoulders and back, soothingly "This has to stop, Jimmy, man, he can't keep doing this to you," "He's my father, what do you think I can do? I can't leave, I won't have anywhere to go," The pained expression on the brunette's face just killed Dutch and the comforting grip tightened "You could..." the bleached blonde thought for a moment "You can always live with me..." 

And so that is how Jimmy found himself sharing a bedroom and bed with his crush... 

Since the room was too small for another bed, Dutch and Jimmy had worked out a pillow wall method between them, but — it hardly worked and more than once, Jimmy woke up to find that Dutch had moved over the barricade in his sleep and had accidentally draped his arm over Jimmy's waist or over his chest, his fingers usually finding a part of Jimmy's skin, and how Jimmy would wish it wasn't just accidental, because the rush he felt when Dutch's fingers brushed his skin, made feelings well up inside, he was half sick and half elated, and then he'd remember that all of this was accidental... and he'd force those feelings back. 

Sometimes it was the opposite and Dutch would wake up, confused, to find Jimmy laying his head against his chest and he'd reluctantly shove him away, always apologizing hours later after he had calmed down and seen the fallout from his actions, written across his friend's face, and for the rest of the day he would try and apologize. Jimmy always forgave him, of course he did...