2015: Let's Pretend I Know What I'm Doing

I Would

I would tell you that diamonds are made out of pressure, but what happens if a diamond comes under pressure more than once?

I would tell you that stars can't shine without darkness, but you do realize that stars also require hydrogen and nuclear fusion, right?

I would tell you that the sky's the limit, but what gives me the right to say you can't go to space?

I would tell you that you've turned my world upside-down, but all the blood rushing to my head is starting to sting my eyeballs.

I would tell you that you give me butterflies in my stomach, but they actually make me feel sick inside. Ew.

I would tell you that I love you with all that I've got, but I've got nothing, nothing except a bleeding heart, but because the heart's actual function within the human respiratory system is to pump blood, not create it, it would be factually incorrect.

So I would tell you that yes, I have nothing but a heart.

And I would tell you that I love you with all of that thing, all of my heart, but to be frank about it, my butt is bigger.

I would tell you how I feel, using those shitty, cliché analogies above,

I would, but my feelings, unlike all this greeting card bullshit, is actually pretty raw. It's original. It's mine. And therefore it's politically incorrect.

Because, you are a carbon-based life form that does not require molecular gastric activity in outer space in order to be bright.

You make my blood boil,

You make me sick.

And yes, I do have a heart, but I only have a heart, and it's not enough,

So,

I would have to say,

I love you with all my butt.