18 - h.s

eleven

Sophia Elliott

As soon as I slammed the door and sat down in my car, I let out a long breath that I didn't even realise I was holding until now, everything was all good with Louis and this narcissistic asshole always has to come over and ruin it.

 Every goddamn time. 

I sighed and threw my hands up onto the wheel, gripping it tightly and just trying to chill myself out. I leaned back against the seat and shut my eyes, just trying to clear my head of the thoughts that whizzed round with no mercy, it seemed. 

Maybe not taking my anxiety meds wasn't a good idea at all, and I was realising it now. 

I really thought that I could become non-dependant on them if I had just cut them out but it seemed to make everything ten times more overwhelming and honestly this situation with Harry was not helping but I could never tell him about this shit because I would never live it down. There's nothing saying he would stop after I told him anyway, he'd probably carry on trying to get at me knowing it would get a bigger reaction from me. It honestly was not worth the time or effort to be completely honest.

I opened my eyes again and looked around for my phone, maybe if I played some music I could calm down a bit, it sounds super fucking cliché and sad but it was the only therapy I had right now.

I mean, driving down the highway with the windows open and blasting music so hard you thought the speakers could blow out? 

Now that was all the therapy I would ever need. 

My brows furrowed when I couldn't feel my phone in my pocket or in the seat around me. My eyes shot open and I realised that I left it inside. I groaned and threw my hands up to my face, letting out a slightly longer groan at the fact I had to fucking go back in there. I hoped that Harry had left by now but I just had a feeling he hadn't.

I sighed and opened the car door and I slammed it, wincing at the impact of the car door shutting as I didn't mean to close it so aggressively. I made my way back through the doors of the school, I couldn't wait to just fucking go home. 

I looked around the halls, cautiously, whipping my head back and forth around me, observing my surroundings and trying to avoid Harry as best I could. I've really had enough of this motherfucker by now. 

I walked back into the classroom I was in and saw Harry still leaning on the desk I was working at, Niall now joining Harry and Louis conversation, I couldn't help but smile at the fact Niall was there though, he seemed like such a genuine guy, Louis did too but for some reason I just seemed to think so highly of Niall. 

I looked around the room for my phone, the boys not noticing me and staying engrossed in their conversation which I suppose I was grateful for. I kept scanning my eyes over the room, the movement in my eyes working their way around the room becoming more frantic as I couldn't see it. I couldn't have even asked anyone to call it because I knew for a fact it wouldn't do shit. Why did I always have my fucking phone on silent?

I looked back over to my desk where the boys continued to talk to each other, leaning around them to see if my phone was sat on the table, which I noticed it wasn't. 

Fuck

Where was it?

I was beginning to panic a little more at this point. I might be overreacting to some people but it's like a safety blanket to me, with my anxiety, unless I have my phone on me I just feel on edge and unsafe, I always have.

Well, that and I have some important stuff on that phone.

It's not for any particular reason either, it's just the fact of knowing I have it on me. It's like when I go absolutely anywhere by myself I always keep a pair of headphones with me, not because I necessarily need or want to use them, I just like having the option there, that seems to be something that calms me down, having the option to do something if I wanted to. My anxiety finds comfort in that I guess.

I turn on my heels and walk out of the room, shoving my hands in my pockets and speeding through the hallways with my head kept down, watching my feet as I walked. I kicked my feet against the floor as my feet made their way across the school, my mind fading out and seemingly my feet taking the lead on where they were taking me and just leading me without even thinking about it.

Oh shit,

I left my psychology textbook in my locker.

I sighed and turned on my heels ninety degrees and began walking towards the block of lockers that contained mine. I pulled my foot up and kicked the double doors open that lead to the block of the building where my locker was, keeping my hands firmly in my pocket. 

I found my locker and put in the combination, retrieving my textbook and I also grabbed my english textbook just in case Mrs A decides to spring a surprise exam on us, which I honestly ironically would not be the slightest bit surprised at, she did it so much that it was simply a recurring thing at this point and not much of a shock to us. 

I sighed and slammed my locker shut simultaneously and pondered if I should've checked in my locker for my phone, even though I knew for a fact it wasn't in there. My anxiety screamed at me in my head to check in case I was being stupid and imagined that I had it in class this afternoon but it was really here the whole time. 

I kept my feet screwed to the floor as I questioned if I should or not, I wasn't sure why it was something I was stressing so hard over. I did a really good job at making really fucking simple decisions and easy questions were a life or death situation.

Come on, get a grip, Soph. 

I sighed and opened my locker up again and began to rummage around the countless pieces of paper, finding a random jacket that I had completely forgot I owned and textbooks that littered my locker, looking as hard as I could for my phone. 

Damn when was the last time I cleared this out? Jesus.

"Oh come on, you son of a bitch where the fuck are you?" I mumbled under my breath to myself, moving my hand around my locker more frantically and leaning into my locker further to look for it, pushing the pieces of paper out of the way. 

I grabbed my textbooks and pieces of paperwork and countless worksheets and held them in my arms, trying to look harder now my other stuff was out of the way. 

I sighed in frustration and aggressively pushed my stuff to my left hand and used my right hand to rummage around in my locker again, hoping my phone was in there and I just missed it the first time round. 

I felt the papers begin to slip from my arm as I was moving around and I brought my knee up to try and prop them up, keeping them from falling.

"Lost something, babe?"