Harmless diary...

Grimy love -late night thoughts

6:33 am I'm
STILL UP ... 😓I haven't been sleeping will lately.  I think it's happening again... Multiple times during the year I get in these moods where it's fuck everything 🖕🏾and fuck everyone 🖕🏿during these time are usually when I quit my jobs breakup Whether it's relationships or friendships. 🤷🏿‍♀️I feel lonely durin these time but I don't want to be around ANYBODY!! Also i replay every single bad things that has ever happened to me in my head. My room is usually messy. I'm in bed all day also hate life and people🤦🏿‍♀️ Before I could only tell I had these episodes after they happen I never knew during but now I'm starting to be aware I should be proud right? that's progress!!! No one but therapist knows I'm like this most people thing I got it all  figured out and I'm happy I don't blame them that's what I want them to think I don't wanna be pitied ever❗️ It's only me notice this no one sees how hard I'm fight to stay here with them ....ANYYYY WAYS 🥱Lmaooo I downloaded this stupid app Bc I heard written your feels is good for us damage people and Because this n!gga just pissed me off ... I have put my all into this relationship I wanted him to know that some could care for him and SHOW him genuine loveeee. key word ✨SHOW✨ But he's so nonchalant act like he don't care About me but cool I'm about to show him even tho I can be nice and gullible with no pride in the way ☺️I can also match Energy and become cruel and grimy🥱 I'm talking COLD hearted but anyyyy ways once again let me tell y'all what he just did .... 🙄 so we haven't been talking otp a lot like we used to and before I will probably nag him about not calling me all day or not thinking about me ....but for the past week I've stop and y'all know it's Bc I'm in that mood if he don't call me coo🤷🏿‍♀️If he don't text me coo🤷🏿‍♀️ I don't say shit to him I don't even call nor text him because when I was doing that he was ungrateful so we otp just not long ago having this stupid convo and some how I asked... "so why you call me then if I always do this?" His answer back to me was .."because if I don't you will cuss me out" then he followed up with ...."and I don't want to go to sleep by myself" ✨btw I'm into psychology✨So I read into everything❗️that's the FIRST THING he said after asking him that so he don't call Bc he wants too 🥺he calls because he feel that's what he needs to do OR else I'm like 🤣🤣but in the inside I'm was crying the man I cared for and "loved" feels like calling me is a chore 💔 so I said "umm what we haven't been talking and I didn't even say shit to your ass!"  All he said was "was don't start" I waited 2min then I hung up! IN that moment I realized the mistake I've made WAS picking UP his calls IN THE FIRST place because 🤦🏿‍♀️ He knows I still cares I'm pissed because I know I'm too good at the game to get played like this 😤 from now on I'm not picking up every call and if he asked I forgot also tell him I gotta go when we on the phone....no more sleeping otp 🤧 some might say why not just break up with him  HELL NO 🚫 I put so much Time ,effort and money INto this relationship I would not leave like that I NEED to break his ass back down to where tf I found and then & ONLY then will I feel at peace ☺️ Only certain type of people will understand where I'm coming from only people that's been hurt a certain type away🤦🏿‍♀️ Will understand. Don't get me wrong during this time I'm gonna be living meaning I'm single I'm
Not stopping nobody from getting to know me 😉 ANDDDDD before y'all call me a cheater I found out three weeks ago he was texting his ex like bye idgaf he MADE it seem like he hated her he made it seem like couldn't no BITCH Get ahold of him 🙄🙄 but noooo he was the one hitting Mfs up .. 7:10 lowkey getting tired but I'm take y'all on this LIFE Journey with me btw this not a story it's just want happened to me today and my thoughts that go through my HEAD...so next time something happens I'll write or shit tmr I'll just tell y'all how my day went this gonna be a public diary🤷🏿‍♀️ Lol trying sum new