Scrolling For Aces

Scrolling For  Aces
         BY : Tyler S
  Scroll. Scroll. Scroll....
...They say There's a lot of stars in the galaxy, but maybe there isn't a right star for me. I
thought that until I came acrossed him. I hit the heart just for the hell of it, and instantly we matched up. I thought nothing would come of this, but I was in for a surprise.
It started off with him casually saying"Hey there" And from that point it turned into talking for an hour, then two hours..then all night long. Then it went From The app Kinder to exchanging numbers. Or to exchanging the digits I like to say. I'm so corny I know !
But He just had this way about him that would make me feel like I could tell him anything without being judged. A simple good morning would make my heart race. But I had a secret. I didn't think at the time it was their business to know. But at one point when I felt that it was, I couldn't get myself to do it. I didn't want this to end because of it. Does that make me selfish? I guess That all depends on how you look at it. But most would say yes to that question .
Love really is like a drug. Once you start feeling it you want more and more.. And once it's gone you feel hollow, empty. I didn't expect to feel "love", but I don't think anyone truly does. It creeps up on you when you least expect it.
Ace. God, even just your name is perfect. Ace in cards means " high Quality, excellence."It traditionally meant bad luck, but the ace is the highest playing card usually. And Ace, boy you aren't Traditional , you are modern. You are high quality, and the definition of excellence.
My name is Sky . Same syllables as your name . I would say we could be perfect together , but life is never that simple. I am 21 years old, living with my super obnoxious roommate. It's not horrible, but not where I want to be for the long run . I work at a shoe store about 20 minutes by bus from here. Not the best job ethier, but not the worst I ever worked at . This one at least gives a holiday discount . Trust me you'd think all of them would but I came into ones that have nothing but a radio playing Jingle Bells in the background while you work on Christmas Eve regretting your life choices. But,Retail is retail though, and a job is a job. I moved up here a year ago because I needed a major change in my life scenery wise. I'm from a suburban town , but now I moved up to the big City where all the action goes on .Busy streets , busy life. Just what I needed for myself right now. To stay busy, and to get away . To run away I should say. From my old life, my broken up past.
I've been in love once before. But the guy didn't want to commit. I'm only 21 , but I am an old soul. I do things old school wise with relationships. I only really been in one serious one though and Lets just say he wanted his cake, and to eat it too . We weren't on the same page, and I don't think we ever were going to be. It hurt to leave, but what choice did I have left? I gave up almost all that I could for them, and they gave up so little. They made all these promises that just fell right on through.We lived together when i dropped out of high school Senior year. That was the last time I saw my parents. He was 21 and I was 19 years old. After crap hit the fan i was homeless living from friends house to friends house until eventually I saved up enough cash to get an apartment with an old acquaintance of mine who was looking for a roommate up in the city. I then applied for the shoe store and after I got hired there, I began moving in with them . What I didn't  know is how goddamn messy this housemate was going to turn out. And how loud they are with their boyfriend at 1am in the bedroom!

Anyways, I never thought I would love again , but you changed that Ace . This time though, I'm the one who is deceiving .Not my ex. I didn't try too, but then again I didn't try to stop it ethier. The internet is a strange place. Full of wonder , full of fun, but also can be full of decievement. Anyone can lie about who they are truly online. You can say you are a Handsome doctor when really you work at The Burger King and used Photoshop . But you wouldn't know that just from looking online. You can do or say almost anything . You can go on Kinder out of boredom and patiently find something great.. But then again not. That's my karma I guess.. Karma will be ready to just bite me in the ass real  soon .
BUZZ BUZZ "Hey Sky ..just thinking about you . I am going to be near the city tomorrow ..I was hoping maybe we could finally meet? I know we FaceTimed a few times which was nice, and I know you"re shy ..but I really feel we should meet. Please let me know If you are around and we could get coffee? Dying to meet you . Have a wonderful day , Sky !"
That text lit up my world, and shattered it all in the few seconds it took me to read it. Sometimes I just wish we could live this way, talking through online, facetime here and there with
showing half my face and not my whole body on the screen , calling on the phone having lots of laughs and talking about our hopes , our dreams the stuff you ramble on and on with someone because you have a connection, and deep feelings forming for each other. You have that adrenaline rushing when your phone buzzes and you see their name pop up on the screen .
But , the second the reality hits.. They want to meet up and you can even blame them . It's been 6months since we matched on Kinder. The site that started it all. Month three is when the meeting up questions started. Then to the more frequent "I wish I could hold you" sweet Conversations. And finally , the total reality setting in again that we are real life people.. And meeting is something we need to do or I risk losing them . These feelings are real. But I know that I will more than likely be crushed if we met up ..and Maybe even beat up..or possibly worse. I don't like to think this way. When this happens I start to panic. My palms get sweaty, my vision blurry. Sometimes it gets so bad I have to sit down and just breathe or I may end up passing out. I can't have that happen and hit my head or something, I have no insurance god I'm not paying that ridiculous bill. Bad enough I have to pay out of pocket for my medicine every month that I need to take in order to be the person I am standing. But, I won't go too into detail on that one , It's not too important . I mean ya, Just your average Woman injecting herself weekly so she can live amongst the crowd and feel/look more normal . Okay.. yes. I kind of just outted my own secret ..
So yes..That's my secret. I was born male, my parents were so happy. A baby boy. A son to play catch with , a son that could protect his sister, a son who would eventually marry a beautiful Lady and make cute grandchildren for their mom and Dad. And this is who they got. I am proud of who I am now, but the struggles I faced to get here I just can't forget or ignore. I am in a bit of debt because of the surgery I have gone through to be the most confident  In my skin too . Now , if you are wondering if I have had the big "snip snip" surgery.. No I have not. So I think you can see my dilemma with sweet old ACE now, right? Ace seems to be a straight cisgender male . This is going to make him hate me . He's not going to want to continue to be with a trans woman when he's a straight cisgender born male . I didn't tell him the truth ethier, so that's what makes this even worse. I could still tell him. I still can , but I can't get myself to do it.