ONE SHOTS

EN//Painter's Great Love

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          I draw you... I draw you everyday... I trace you smoothly... I'm starting to think it's become a habit, that you've become an obsession I don't want to part with. What am I supposed to do if you keep coming into my tightly filled heart?

          I feel the way you change my life, the way you make it brighter. Even if I can't touch your body with trembling hands, afraid of not breaking or hurting you, I still feel your energy embracing me and filling me with tones of love...

          I think you're driving me crazy, I drew and erased on a paper that has no place left drawn anymore, only the traces are left... I can't stop myself, I am so desperate to see you again in my dreams, to hug you with my heart and to tell you some fairy tales... I want you to be here so I can never forget that face of yours, that innocent smile of yours and those eyes in which I could see the galaxy...

          Why are my memories of you so blurry? I feel like if I try more and more, I forget your face. You're like an angel: you make my heart beat so fast when I see you, but it doesn't hurt if you leave. In my dreams you are so vivid that I think that is the real life, but after I wake up, I feel so confused and dizzy. Even if I open my eyes widely, there is no subject in here. I feel empty and desirous for the night to come again and to dream of you.

          Sometimes I am wandering if you are even real or you are just my imagination... I am starting to think of visiting a psychologist because I feel so different... Where are you? I want you to come and show me that I am not going crazy and that you are real and you love me. Sometimes I'm curious about the love stories of Picasso and Van Gogh and I'm wandering if they felt the same as me.

           Let me draw, you make me draw you again. Let me see you for one more time and for many times now on, let me see that sweet smile of yours, let me touch that soft hair of yours, let me kiss those lips of yours to taste how perfection feels. Just visit my dreams every night, because I won't bother. My dreams door is open for your presence and want you to never leave my mind on that door. Just stay with me forever and promise you will find me, because I feel like I can't remember your face and I am afraid of not recognizing you...

          As miserable as sin I feel when I wake up and can't find you in my bed or maybe in my kitchen, getting ready for the breakfast and wearing just my shirt from last night. I really am begging for your touch, for your kiss... My heart can't resist without seeing you for one night... And I feel so lifeless in the days when I can't connect with you in our realm.

          Please, just come to me and let me draw because you make me draw so desperately that shape of you over and over again and never succeeding in doing it right. I just draw thinking about you, again I draw like a maniac, I draw without realizing it, again draw...draw... Like it is my only objective everyday after I can't reach my thoughts to you. I feel like I'm loosing the memories of you everyday after I can't connect with you spiritually...

          Because of the dream realm, I draw you and the moon that holds you, walking in the moonlight, I draw you and the dancing stars because you are my only wish that I want to come true really soon... I am desperate to meet you in person, to hold your hand, to kiss those lips with which you whisper in my ears.

          Sometimes I'm wondering how long it will take until we meet... I'm thinking seriously about the moment when I will recognize you, the moment when I will introduce myself and when you'll look me in the eyes like you did many times in my dreams. I'm craving for your real touch, for your real voice, for the whole real you. I promise you, I'll be there for you anytime you need me, I won't bother you if you are not in the mood of accepting my presence, but you'll have to let me love you with my whole heart.

          Every time I close my eyes I see you and I want to see you more and more, but as my wish grows, I see you so blurry... You're my inspiration, you're my muse, you're my sense, you're my drawing and mostly you're my drug. I feel so euphoric after I wake up and think that I saw you again in my dreams like an angel in a white dress. I can't get out of my head your shiny brown hair of yours and those deep brown eyes of yours... I really am addicted to you and when I can't see you for weeks, I feel like I'm loosing my mind. I started to take sleeping pills in those weeks when I can't see you, and I drink a lot of tea, just to let my sleepless heart to rest a little.

           Margins, full of imagination, like the clock, I go round and round and I feel like everything I do is useless until I'll draw that beautiful face of you. I'll try to guide you to me and make you mine forever, I won't let you down never ever, if you promise me you won't go. I sit on my sofa and starring to a non-existent dot on the wall. My mind is such a mess that I can't even clean my room, I'm really lost in my thoughts thinking how to find you, so I can ease my mind. I feel a stone on my chest while lying down and sometimes I can't breathe, I feel so full that I could throw up every time I have butterflies in my stomach. I really am with my head in the clouds with a person who's name I don't even know...

          Again I draw like a maniac and I throw the paper in my trash bin until it is overloaded with paper... I am sitting on my desk wandering how to draw you, how to trace perfectly that shape of you. A blank white paper as expected and some traces of ink on top of it, but I still can't figure out how to put you on it, so I choose to write some songs about how you look in my dreams and how you come to calm me when needed. I sweat to God , I'm desperate, so please, don't leave me, not now when I can see your face, when I can enjoy your smile and when I can fictionally hear your bright and colored laugh. You make my days better and I am really thankful to you, I feel stronger and stronger in the middle of the day just thinking about you... How would it be when I can finally hug you?

          I can't draw that silhouette of you, it's hard... It's like a Math test that I can't pass and I try to do some exercises everyday but I end up thinking of you and writing some songs, having tones of butterflies in my stomach. I beg you to stay in my dreams forever like a latent flame and never leave me until we meet. I am so nervous in my room when I see the easel empty... I held the brush but put it down a hundred times, I drew something but erased it a hundred times...

          Who will come in my house will think that I am going crazy and I need to see a doctor, but I only need you as my medicine and only love in my life. I feel so selfless to the other girls who want to hang out with me... I feel so selfish and so jealous on the universe for not giving you birth in the same place with me. Sometimes I am wondering if you are older and I'm afraid of loosing you, but maybe if you are younger I will promise you to take care of you and never let you down.

          Do you look as in my dreams? Does your voice sounds the same? Are those hands of yours so soft to melt my heart with only a touch? I feel like shaking only thinking of your skin, I feel like I will cry if I think more of you,  I will just cross the world for you and ask every person on this planet if they saw a beautiful goddess walking down the street, if they saw the most beautiful creature with the strongest eyes in the galaxy...

          I trace again some contours of yours on a paper, I panted it but colored on it a thousand times and I hugged you in my heart for a thousand more times... And I still bed you to let me draw because you make me draw... I just feel the need to draw and the only subject is you and nothing more on this world.

          I just draw thinking about you, again I draw....draw...draw...

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