CONSTANT COLLAPSE | Pannacotta Fugo x Reader

Impure.

A/N: I'm writing this story to help me with my journey alone in overcoming my traumas, Fugo is my comfort character who's been through similar and it just made sense to me. Thank you for reading !
•••

You knew Panni loved you, despite being tainted and impure.
His touch stings, you writhe under his gentle hands every time. His words, god how they were the worst, they were so sweet you could have cavities.
His own storm calms when it comes to you. Your storm festers into a hurricane this very moment.
Fugo is out and you haven't moved from your bed in weeks, in a slump once more. You've realized the only thing worse than feeling pain is feeling nothing.
In one swift motion, you sit up, you feel that itch in your arm again, you've resisted the urge nearly everyday for a week now. It hasn't been this bad since it happened.

Tainted.

You open your side table. Well it isn't really yours, your job let you off, you can't pay for your apartment much longer. You've moved your things in with Panni. Perfect excuse to move in, the side table is his, but made your own.
You pull the box hidden in the back out. You sit it out and stare at it.
Do you want to do this?
Fuck everything you've been working for up?
Haven't you thought about how Panni will feel when he figured it out?
Suddenly growing angry, you smack the box off the side table and hear the sweet music of the blades clattering against the wood floor. You lay back down and sob. You can't breathe very well, it's the kind of crying that feels awful, like you're sinking and the cavity in your chest is slowly opening wider.
Panni should be home soon.
You want to pick the blades, wash your face to make you look more healthy, but you just can't do it.
You bite the sheets to stop yourself from silently screaming and cry harder than you were before.
Your beautiful Panni, how will he feel when he sees you a mess?
Just imagining it has you crying even more. Why can't I stop?
The door of the apartment opens, you know it, you turn over away from the door and silently sob. The door is closed from when he left an hour ago to get lunch. You hear him humming, you're ruining it. You're ruining his good mood. You're ruining him.
You let out a gut-wrenching sob that he hears. You hear his pace quicken to the bedroom. "(Y/N)? Darling," he is suddenly cut off with a short gasp. You don't dare look. You know what he's seeing.
Fugo stares at the mess of the blades, thoroughly inspecting to make sure there's no blood to be seen. He steps over and around them over to you, he rubs your back, attempting to coerce you to face him. "Please look at me, I need to know you're not hurt..." you slowly lift your head, wiping your nose of the snot and turn to face him. He inspects you intensely, the shame written across your face.
"Is it okay if I hug you, honey?" You glance into his eyes and shrug. He knew this was your way of saying yes. He carefully holds you, as if you'd break into pieces at any moment. "I'm so proud of you for holding back," he says slowly.
Proud of you? How.
You let out a dry laugh, he looked up confused but you didn't want to expand on what you were feeling.
He lets go but lands a soft peck on your forehead. You slowly lay back down and turn over, closing your eyes. You hear Fugo's footsteps depart from the room.
You ruin everything you touch.
Suddenly there's the scraping of a broom, you shoot up and watch Fugo sweep the blades up. "No—!" Your shout, your control. What helps you, what makes you feel alive.
"(Y/N), I'm sorry but I can't let you keep these." He says as he sweeps the last of it up.
You stare and you feel awful, you don't know why but you can't breathe well. The tears welling in your eyes. Your heart is beating out of your chest. You can't breathe.
Panni is immediately at your side, he knows what's happening. You don't know who's touching you. Your vision is blurry with tears. You smack the person away.
Fugo begins to feel a little upset himself. He firmly holds your face and you realize it is him. He puts your hand to his chest. "Hey, Hey! Breathe!" you look up confused. "Feel this! Feel my heart... feel my chest, match your breathing with mine, like this," he takes deep breaths. You begin to understand what he's doing and try to lessen your sobs and slow your breathing. A hiccup here and there.
Today is a rough day, you've never been this bad.
Panni holds his arms out, you move closer to him and let him hold you.
"You're home, baby."
You knew he didn't mean home, he meant his arms. As long as he was here with you, you were home. He is your home.
After sitting like this for what seems like hours, he pays your arm softly to get your attention. "You feeling hungry? I got (favorite food)." he smiles knowing that maybe it could cheer you up. You nod softly with the ghost of a smile on your face. He helps you off the bed, you check the time, it's 11:48.
The day is dark, it seems like a cruel joke that it had started raining as well. You sit at the small table next to his small kitchenette. You begin eating slowly, not sure if you were exactly hungry.
"(Y/N), I love you dearly," Fugo smiles softly. "I love you too, Panni, more than anyone has ever loved anyone before," He laughs softly.
You weren't happy but you weren't sad, and you didn't know how that could be, but Panni was here and that's what mattered.