modern loneliness 🔐

': lost

tick tock, tick tock.

the sounds of the clock ticking back and fourth has caught his attention. checking his phone every 5 seconds like an endless loop when he knows nothing will spark his interest, when no one ever has the time to bother with him.

he's constantly surrounded by people. friends and family, strangers and acquaintances, no matter the event he just cant get the voices out of his head. even when in a crowded room, he feels as if he's alone and that no one is able to understand him.

he knows that many people suffer the same things as him and he suddenly feels selfish for thinking that way. he feels as if he's pushing down other's problems for his own and he feels self centered for that, and he hates it. he hates it so much he tells himself he's a selfish, ungrateful brat who doesn't respect other's boundaries.

many people tell him harsh things on a daily, whether for the greater good or not, whether it was for a joking or not, he takes it to heart. he knows that some for them don't mean it and he feels bad for it because that's considered way too sensitive in today's day and time. so he pushes it down, he ignores it, he buries it and keeps on moving in his life with constant unsolved problems.

he looks at himself in the mirror and realizes how unmotivated he is to take care of himself, to do anything really. and for this, he feels lonely, he feels lazy. he feels as if everyone else is doing so much, for themselves in life and for him. he cant bring himself up to do things for himself, but he complains.

he feels loud for that. if no one is listening, if no one cares, why does he continue to complain? he hates it all, but he cant stop.

he lives off the internet and the friends hes made on there, but he feels that even they, who are across the world hates him. maybe hes too loud, maybe hes too quiet, maybe they don't like the way he jokes or the things he says.

he wants to cry, to let it all out through tears but nothing ever comes out, even when he's alone. he wants to talk about it with someone but he cant think of anyone to do so with without offending anyone.

he wants to live a peaceful life but he cant go a day without causing drama or trouble, or embarrassing himself.

he lets the music play in the background as he's sprawled out across the carpeted floor of his apartment.

useless

his mind tells him. he knows he shouldn't, but he believes it. maybe he really is useless. he looks back on all of the things he's done in the past, and all he gets is useless, nobody loves you. everybody hates you.

and he writes it down. he hates writing journals and diaries but he likes to express his feelings through words and music. sometimes he'll write a book, basing it off everything happening in his life and pushing it on one of his very own characters to cope with it, to find an unrealistic ending in a form of hope.

sometimes he'll write a sheet of music, and fill it out with lyrics of his own representing each and every emotion hes feeling. but he keeps it a secret. he lets nobody but himself listen, and he pities himself. why does he do so much if nobody will ever see it? its pitiful, he admits.

he feels tired of life, tired of everything. as an advertisement plays amidst his music, he feels jealous of those who can afford for things he can't. he feels dramatic for feeling tired, he feels jealous of other people. he's tired of it, but he knows he can't do anything about it. exhausted. nauseous. numb.

he's only a teenager, and he feels so much pressure. is it society, or is that just an excuse? maybe it's himself, maybe he's way too sensitive. right, it's all his fault.