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There was once a man named Cannoli. He was a pedantic man but was often swayed by the coquetry of others. His email inbox is full of spam from signing on to too many streaming services because of the way their salesmen spoke. In the end it was blatant balderdash, and he knew it, but he continued to give his email out regardless.
One day a disreputable traveling salesman of similar stature to Cannoli arrived at Cannoli’s citadel steps in a horse drawn hansom. Before walking up to Cannoli’s door the salesman slapped the horse's haunches. He was advertising a befreeze air freshening dispenser and Cannoli, being easily won over by the iniquitous man, bought the air freshener. He put it in his bathroom and right away it started dispensing. What Cannoli didn’t know was that in the dispenser there were pheromones that are supposed to guide bugs into his house. Cannoli woke up the next morning and his house smelled of coriander. He was drowsy that morning and he felt that he had to sneeze but for some reason he couldn't get enough air in. He opened his eyes and tried to sit up, but he couldn’t. His skin was tingling like his entire body was asleep. He then realized that he was wrapped up, almost like he was in a tight baize sleeping bag. He rolled himself out of bed and hit the ground. Thank god he tossed his pillows off of his bed when he slept he thought. He then started to stretch his body to loosen the fibers of what he assumed were spider webs. Now he had to get his arms out so he could crawl around and eventually get a knife to cut himself free. He moved his shoulders and desperately tried to get his skin, which was stringently adhesed to the webs, free. He struggled for a while but he finally got his arms out from the wrapping. Cannoli wasn’t really an active man so it was hard for him to crawl around and pull his whole body weight, but after a while he got to the kitchen. He immediately realised something was wrong, however.
All of the cabinets and drawers in the kitchen were either fully ajar or they were ripped off completely. He knew that he had to get a knife before anything in that room decided to kill him. He made his way over to the knife drawer. His heart was beating loudly in his ears as he reached his hand above his head and stuck it in the open drawer. He sedulously felt around for a knife and he pulled it out and started to saw away at the cocoon that enveloped him. He was finally able to stretch his legs and he had found large carbuncles on his feet. As he stood up he felt a sharp pain in his feet from the bites and he passed out. While he was passed out he had a vision. The vision involved him walking around in a void space. No ceilings, no walls and the ground seemed to be invisible as if he was standing on glass. As he wandered he found a small box afloat in the middle of the air. It was about the size of an apple and it was glowing from the inside out. He reached his hand out and discovered that the air around the box was surprisingly cold, yet it still burned his skin. It was as if he stuck his hand in ice and then ran hot water on it. He thought it was a bad idea to touch it but his body didn’t listen, instead his hand reached out and grabbed it. Upon touch his palm singed with pain and the box started a conflagration even brighter than before and was blown back by a juggernaut of a blizzard. There was a huge flash and what looked like a tall slender woman with albinism emerged from the chaos. Cannoli exclaimed, “My goodness it is a harpy! This could not be, it has to be an apocryphal prank!”. The angel then spoke to him,” Cannoli Pierogi, you are about to die. The traveling salesman you met yesterday was your evil demeanoured, insensate half-brother. He is seeking out to harm you and then kill you because of his emulous desires. He used the pheromone dispenser to try and kill you without getting his hands dirty but he was unsuccessful. He is taking refuge in your house and is waiting for you to awaken so he can murder you. You must find him and kill him before he does to you. I will give you the strength to fight him but you must kill him. This will not be easy but you have to avenge your mother’s dying wish of that destined twinkie.”
Cannoli awoke and found his brother Stanley sitting across from him, savoring the twinkie Cannoli’s mother died trying to find. That twinkie holds special powers of eternal healing. His mother, Ananas, suffered from cancer and that twinkie could have cured her malady. Cannoli spent years of his life scouring cave systems of the earliest human civilizations before he finally found the twinkie of Ishtar. He gave his mother the destined twinkie but as she was about to consume the saving pastry, the malefactor Stanley busted in and stole the twinkie. Later that week, Cannoli received a holograph from the hospital containing his mothers will, an exorbitant sum of money and news of her death, which caused him to be devoured into an abject depressive state ever since.
Now it is Cannoli’s time. Cannoli launched himself at Stanley with his newly found strength and brandished the knife from earlier and used it to stab his half-brother. The man collapsed and out from his wound and the various orifices of his body spiders started to pour out. Then his skin started to bubble and move as spiders erupted from the subcutaneous layers of his flesh. The spiders then began to besiege Cannoli and they attacked him. They shot their diaphanous webs at him and Cannoli was out of the luck the angel gave him. The spiders successfully wrapped him and they used their venom to paralyze his muscles but still feel the pain of being liquidized by the enzymes inside of the venom. He started to disintegrate and he felt his strength waning. He ruminated to himself,” Here I die, wrapped like a cannoli, just like my name. I shall end as I had started, with my name being a reminder of my fate.” Cannoli slowly and painfully died. As he left the land of the living he could’ve sworn he tasted a twinkie upon his taste buds.
