To the one I didn't have

Our First and Last

It's 9:15 in the morning, I am walking on the pavements filled with flowers. The Sun is shining brightly embracing everybody with warmth. It is a beautiful morning, serene and lively yet here I am, thinking.. walking with the mask I choose to wear hours before I left home. It's a lively morning, people are flashing their beautiful smiles, but here I am wearing the mask to fit in. I don't know if they notice it, but I guess it's okay because everybody wears a mask to hide their true feelings. I'm feeling empty since I wake up, doing normal routines I do, so it's nothing new anymore.

However, I didn't expect those changes of event. It's like a love story you always find in the book. I bump into someone. He's wearing that smile, I always wanted to have. Having the eyes I would die to have. He said, "I'm sorry, I didn't see you." He said he's sorry but I am the one who's at fault. Who the hell would be walking on the street not paying attention to her surroundings right? Silly me. I said, "No, it's my fine. It's my fault anyway." and he only smiles. Hahhh, what a beautiful scene I have seen. I guess not everybody here is a robot like me. I just flash "it's fine, go away" look, 'cause it will be not good if I'm near him and he's near me. So he bid his goodbye and I didn't answer. I continue to walk, but deep inside, his face... his smile... it's printed in my mind. Annoying. I don't like this feeling. I gotta shake this out.

Days passed, I unknowingly waiting for him in that very street. I guess my subconscious mind is waiting for him, to see if he still has those eyes. Eyes full of life, and eyes where galaxy will be shy if they compare to them. But I didn't see him anymore. Maybe it's just fate's game, for us to see each other. One whose eyes full of stars and one whose eyes are full of pain and dullness. Maybe it's just fate's way to remind how dark my life has become... How I choose to be like this. So I can't blame anyone. I will just continue this dull life until it loses its light.

Six months passed since I saw him, I still clearly remember his face but I think he forgets mine. Who will remember this boring face anyway? Even I myself don't want to remember it. It's a chilly night, maybe because it's September. I went out to buy food because I know it is a battle of sleep again. I won't sleep a wink anyway so I should just eat. I went out, suddenly a cold breeze brush through me, it's cold but I am happy, I am glad that I can still feel this kind of thing. I open the door in 711, a beautiful voice greets me with innocence, wahh what a beautiful voice you have there mister, I pray that you can keep it. I didn't bother to look because I know I will only be filled with envy so I just nodded. I got my safe haven food, chocolates, ice cream.. anything sweet. It's cold inside the 711, that's new. I brought the food to the counter, and he said its 300 pesos. I gave my 500 peso bill, but the guy bends down to the counter he gets his jacket, it's cold anyway so it's normal to wear it. He put what I bought in the bag, but he didn't wear his jacket, weird right? I bid goodbye but when I open the door, a warm cloth hugged my skin. It's the man's jacket. "What are you doing?" I speak as I look at his face, to my surprise it's the same guy I saw on the street, the same guy who practically lived in my mind.

He smiled, my heart skips a beat, still the same, beautiful smile as ever. He said I should wear it because it is cold outside. I am shocked by this guy, how can he give his jacket to someone he didn't know? I just shrugged then said thank you and I will return it tomorrow. He nodded and closed the store's door. I went inside my house, still wearing his jacket.

I sat on my bed, the jacket smells like wood in a forest, a fresh green wood... it's cool. Oh, my g.. smells good. To my surprise, it's morning already... It's been a while since I slept peacefully, the ice cream melted as well as my heart. I am not dumb enough to notice what I am feeling.. I know those silly butterflies in my stomach. It's l-l-o... no maybe I'm just confused.

Let's not confused actions into something. I spend my day in a normal way, like before. But when the night transpires, my nerves already killing me. I don't know if I am excited, nervous, or what. I looked like some kind of teenager when their crush smiles at them. Hmmph. I went to the 711, expecting he will greet me. But no, another voice greeted me. Disappointment filled my being. I ask the person where is the one working this night shift? He answered, "Oh is it Sole you're asking?" "I didn't know his name, but it's a tall guy, mestizo, wearing that fresh smile." The guy nodded, "oh it's Sole." A second later, loss, confusion, grief is what I saw in the guy's eye. I felt heartbroken.. I don't know why. The guy consolidates me in the chair, saying I will tell you something.