Wish I Was Sorry

Chapter 1

My name is Jehci Belle Monroe. I've made mistakes. I have done horrible things. I am not sorry. It's funny though, because I should be. I should be ashamed of the life I've chosen -or at the very least be ashamed of the means of acquiring such a life- and I should be ashamed of the people I choose to surround myself with, and I should definitely be ashamed of the people I've chosen to let go of. I should be ashamed of everything I've done thus far in my 20 years of life, but if there's one thing life taught me it's never to be ashamed. Never apologise. Explain yourself only when necessary. Most importantly, some things, some people actually, are met so that you can let them go. I suppose I look cold and heartless but I assure you that I'm anything but. Not everything is as it seems, and some people, like myself, live in smoke and mirrors.

I stir my coffee absentmindedly, pretending to listen to my boyfriend (how many agonising years has it been? 2? 3?) go on and on about his surfing accomplishments. Kendal Sydney. Where do I even begin with him. He's strong, handsome, loving, and did I mention handsome? I watch his tan hands run through his blond, shaggy hair. Those are the same hands that caress me in the most intimate places some nights. Those are also the hands that dig nails into my skin and drag for long, painful seconds. They also hit me, pinch me and throw lamps to the wall.

" ..and I hear that Axel's little garage band is doing really well." He concluded a sentence I didn't pay attention to. "Can you believe it's been two years already?" 

Two years! So that's how long it's been! Honestly, Jehci, keep up. 

I sipped my hot drink thoughtfully, pretending not to feel the pain that spread through my body at the mention of Axel Damien. 

Oh, Axel Damien. Axel, Axel, Axel, Axel, Axel. Just saying his name makes it feel like my heart is going to melt. Our friendship ended tragically two years ago due to one of my infamous mistakes. The bright side was that Axel used to pain of rejection to play more than he already did. It was a different genre. It was edgier, cooler, rockier.  He caught the attention of geeky Allan, who revealed his otherworldly drumming abilities. Allan introduced Axel to his other friends, and a rock band was formed out of that unlikely friendship. They're doing pretty well. They call themselves The Kwestion Marx, and they're one of the biggest indie bands in the city.  

The not-so-bright side is that after two years of successes, two years of growth and two years of silent glances, Axel Damien refuses to forgive me. He talks to Kendal just fine, but aside from the occasional nod of greeting, he completely ignores me.  I suppose I deserve it.  It was my fault. 

"I'm not surprised. He used to play that guitar like his life depended on it." I mumbled, turning the page of my Psychology text book. 

"You know, he asked about you recently." I could hear the teasing note in his voice. I ignored the fluttering in my chest and reread the same line several times before I could reply. 

"Really?" I asked as casually as I could. "What did he say?" 

"He asked why you're still legally able to live in this country."  

Ouch. 

I slowly closed my text book and sipped my somewhat cold coffee. I stared into Kendal's eyes with the most stoic look I could muster. I had learned after the second month of living with Ken that the more unreadable my face was, the easier it was to avoid an argument, thus, the easier it was to get away fight-free. 

"And?" I asked finally. 

"He also asked why I'm still with you." Kendal stole one of my strips of bacon and munched it thoughtfully. "I think he's trying to get back together with you. I can see why, Jehc. You're beautiful." He flashed me a dazzling grin that made me smile against my will.  It was a smile that reminded me why I got together with him in the first place. He still had this boyish charm about him that was so endearing and so sexy. It almost made me wish that I didn't still love Axel. 

"You're too kind to me Ken." I laughed softly. 

"I'm kind to you because I love you." He said as he played with my curly, dark hair.  He face was soft and loving, his smile shy. His eyes, though, were hard. He was expecting an answer; reciprocation specifically. 

Don't let him do this to you anymore Jehci! You are stronger than this. You can leave this and run to Axel! Explain everything and run to your paradise! Just say it and run. It's easy.

Kendal, I don't love you. 

I don't love you. 

I don't love you. 

I smiled and kissed his hand. "I love you too, Kendal."  He grinned and planted a warm kiss on my lips.  

"I know you do, Jehc." He whispered. "And I'm never gonna let you go." 

"Never?" I replied jokingly, despite the pit of despair in my stomach. 

"Never. I'll love you forever." He stroked my cheek. My eyes cast downwards. 

Forever huh? That's a lot of fights, a lot of bruises, a lot of heartbreaks and a lot of silent wishing for a savior. A lot can happen in forever. Forever is a long time.  

I sighed and leaned into him. "Here's to a forever of no regrets." 

"Here's to that." He chuckled against me. He was being extremely pleasant today and it made me comfortable but still uneasy. I could tell that there was something that he wasn't telling me and I knew that I wouldn't like it.

"Oh, and babe?"  He whispered tenderly. 

"Yes, Kendal?"

"You've been working really hard lately." He started twirling my hair around his finger in an attempt to relax me even more. "I was thinking that maybe you should take a break."

"And what did you have in mind?" I reveled in the feeling of his hands in my hair.

"Let's go to a party tonight." He smiled.

"Sure, sounds like fun. Who's throwing it?"

"Summer."

And there's the bit I wouldn't like.

I lifted my head to stare at him. He had an innocent look on his face.  He looked like butter couldn't melt in his mouth, that bastard.

"Summer? As in, Summer Francis?"

"Yep."

"Axel's ex girlfriend, Summer Francis?"

"The very same."

I shot him a dirty look and wiggled out of his hold. "No, Kendal. I am not going to any  party that she is throwing."

"But Jehci." He began.

"No, Kendal. I'm not going. I won't have fun."

"But Jehc, if you'd just give it a chance..."

"Kendal, no!"

"Jehci!"

He slammed his fist hard against the diner's table. I watched wordlessly as a couple lively utensils scurried across the table as a forlorn fork or two jumped off off table. The cold coffee danced out of our mugs and splattered silently on the wood. I looked at every imperfection that Kendal just caused so that I wouldn't have to see the surprised look from nosey diners. I knew that Kendal was currently doing the same, but for a different reason. He was trying to calm himself dowm so he wouldn't hit me. I knew I was currently safe. He was never angry enough to hit me in public. He needed to keep his cool surfer image. I suppose that was why I usually insisted we go out.

"Jehci." He tried again, ever mindful of nosey ears. "I don't wanna make it seem like you don't have a choice, but I think we should go."

I sniffed indifferently.  He smiled weakly in response.

"Besides," he continued, "Axel will be there."

I really should have said no. I really wanted to.  I wish that I would have had the courage to sayno, get up and walk out of his life forever.  Alas, I am not that strong a person. I took a big breath and said the small word that sealed my fate.