[✔] lightbulb » lee taeyong & na jaemin

ch. 4

thantophobia: the fear of losing someone you love

» kwan ara's pov »

"jaemin, i need to go back home," i muttered. he was still staring at me strangely.

he shook his head as if he was clearing his head. "you're right. go on, now."

i grabbed his hand and squeezed weakly, one last time. he squeezed right back. i gave him a small smile and rushed home from jaemin's, making sure to get home before taeyong.

turns out, i didn't have to rush home. i had been in my room for a half hour, scrolling on social media to distract myself. i felt myself checking the time more and more often as time slowly passed.

i jumped, hearing taeyong jiggle the key in the door. i hadn't heard his car enter the driveway, too busy existing in my own world of anxiety. my body turned on to fight-or-flight mode; i wasn't sure for what or why. the front door creaked open, and i heard him put down his stuff with a heavy grunt.

i held my breath as he walked towards my room. this room was my personal room: the one where i studied, the one where i did crafts...the one where i hid from taeyong after he hit me.

i could feel his presence right outside of my door. he knocked. "ara?" he called softly.

i cried silently, my body shaking. i craved for affection from him, but it would only make getting hit so much harder. each time he came apologizing, he hit me the day after.

i guess today was an on day.

"ara?" he called again, his voice cracking.

i slowly stood up, dreading what would happen. sometimes, he would trick me into thinking it was an on day when it was an off.

slowly, i got off my bed and walked towards the door. i could heard taeyong's breath hitch as  the floorboards creaked.

i twisted the doorknob.

immediately, i was engulfed in a hug. but i flinched, and he backed off quickly, as if the hug never happened. i stared at the floor. i noticed that it was quiet shiny. i must've scrubbed nicely, today.

taeyong started speaking, and my head snapped up. how was i so easily distracted? my eyes looked down at the floor again, noticing taeyong's pain-stricken face.

"i'm...sorry..." he cried, keeping a distance between us. his eyes kept on flickering to different parts of my face, most likely checking to see the damage he inflicted on me.

i didn't meet his eyes. "please," i begged softly. "just leave me alone for today."

he nodded, understanding my wish. he turned around, and just like that, disappeared, closing the door. i stared at the door for what felt like an eternity. i rubbed my eyes roughly and looked down at the floor. oh!

there was something shiny on the floor. although, i couldn't see it clearly because of the sun's glare through my window, which was hard to look at because i had swept my curtains to the side.

bending down to pick it up, i realized it was the necklace that i had been wanting for a very long time. taeyong must have dropped it. did he plan to give it to me as a gift? an apology?

my eyes filled with tears, and the unreal sadness filled me. why couldn't i have loved a person who could truly love me back?

i wanted to show my love for him in every way i could. i wanted to hug him, kiss him, cuddle with him, have movie nights, stay up late-

but i couldn't. because he was the lightbulb in my life.

a lightbulb that would always turn off after you got familiar with the on; a cycle leading to an eternity of pain.

i twirled the necklace in between my fingers. i noticed that there was a bump on the side of the necklace and i picked at it with my nail.

it opened up, surprising me. i cried out from the strike of pain in my heart.

a message engraved in the metal. i love you.

and a picture of us kissing on our first date below it, back when he was my everyday on.

i stared with longing for the girl who had no regrets loving taeyong.

i tenderly put on the necklace, promising to treasure it forever.

i hate myself.

——

» lee taeyong's pov »

i felt sorry for ara. regretful for her.

she should've loved somebody else.

when i had left her room, i had closed the door. little did she know, i was sitting right outside her room, leaning against her door. i listened to her cries.

i knew she had found the necklace. i had dropped it on purpose, knowing that i would never have the chance to put it on myself. the mental image of sweeping her soft hair to the side and wrapping my arms around her neck to put it on filled me. i yearned for the chance to do so, but it was just that: a mental image.

i wished that she knew how much i loved her.

i swore i was trying. i was trying to control my disorder. but eventually, at the end of the day when i was tired of everything, i lost myself and lashed out on her.

i put my head in between my knees and rubbed my face with aggression. i was exasperated.

i would do anything for you, kwan ara.