him or the blade (selfharm and mia love story may be triggering to)

I was just sitting there. Thinking over all the times I said I was "fine" when someone asked me how I felt. But now in this moment I wish I never would have said I was "fine" I wish I would have told the truth, that I'm not fine. That I'm really tired, ashamed, embarrassed, fed up, broken, hurt, and just plain depressed. I heard a loud noise and was suddenly awaken from a daze. I remembered that I was still at home, sitting on my bathroom floor hugging the toilet, and being interrupted by one of my older brother's friends. I sat a up a little bit and called out to whoever was standing outside the door and said "You will just have to wait the bathroom is occupied currently." I went to stand up a little too quickly and got dizzy so I decided I should wait a few more minutes. I started collecting my things off the floor, razors tooth brush and some band aid rappers and then stood up. I carefully placed the razors in my pocket, my tooth brush in the cabinet, flushed the band aids down the perfectly white toilet. I waited a few more moments and unlocked the door and slowly turned the knob once the I stepped out of the restroom I found myself face to face with a gorgeous boy. His hair was perfectly layered and was a beautiful shade of dark brown, his eyes were hazel with a tint of green, and his smile was the definition of pure perfection. I wasn't quite sure what to say so I decided on "Its all yours," simple and to the point, but when I started to walk away I heard the most amazing voice say "Thank you. My name is Christofer, I'm a friend of Anthony's." I made a three hundred and sixty degree turn to face him and said "Nice to meet you Christofer I am Delilah. I am related to Anthony, he is my older brother." "Your the famous Delilah? Anthony talks about you a lot." He said so effortlessly I almost died of embarrassment. "Not really famous at all, more like the awkward person that my brother likes to embarrass." I said while starting to walk away because I could feel my cuts bleeding through the band aids. He sent a side ways smile towards me and said "I guess if your awkward that makes me about as strange as humanly possible." A little taken back by the adorable comment I just start to blush and am to dumbfounded so I just say nothing at all. He looks at you and smiles then proceeds to say "Your adorable when your embarrassed." I'm still in shock but I continue to try to walk awkward because now my cuts are really bleeding and the blood started to drip off my sleeve and onto the perfectly cleaned carpet. I suddenly realize what just happened and pray that Christofer does not notice, but he does. Without really knowing what to do or say I just decided to walk away. I started to walk down the hall to my room and right before I could open the door I heard that angelic voice once more but this time what he said was not only sweet it was amazing. "I figure that is what you were doing in there," he said but before you could reply he interrupted "It confuses me. The fact that people inflict pain on themselves to try to feel better about themselves. It just doesn't make sense. Why hurt yourself because other people are hurting you? What good does that do, the only person in getting hurt in the end is yourself. How is that productive? Just think about the answers to those questions before you do that again," and that was the end of it, the conversation was over. I entered my room feeling guilty but not exactly sure what I felt guilt about.