i got issues
this anxiety always always comes but never goes
the palpitations
i can feel the vibration of my chest increasing with every beat of my heart
i worry
i worry too much abut the things that should not be mattered
sometimes it happens for no reason at a completely random time
it's like an overwhelming wave of clouding
it fucks with your mind and body
it ruins everything you're doing in the moment
all you want to do is just cry & it gets suicidal with a blink of an eye
your body starts to shiver and your hands will start to react as if you are suspended high in the air
you start visualizing that the world is crumbling down on you
i start to get co dependent and waiting for that someone to pull me up
in reality nobody is there to pull you up but yourself
it sucks but that's reality
you just have to be there for yourself because you are the only thing that's never gonna leave your side
the overthinking fucks it up the most
i imagine things that's never gonna happen
i think of the worst scenarios
maybe because i can detect a slight change of attitude very easily and that is where it starts
my brain is as hectic as a black friday sale in the US
i start to make up things, saying things i shouldn't have because i don't want the worst case scenario i made up to happen but in the end it happens because of the things i said
i hate how my brain works i feel miserable
i'm not perfect
i'm still trying to be better and i need to rewire my brain to stop thinking about something that is highly unlikely to happen
typing this out i see it now, it shows the doubts to the other party, the lack of trust i may have but its seriously not that. its just my brain that needs reassuring, that's where i need the constant updates but i see it now, it seems very exhausting to be with someone like me
i see it now
all i want is the best for the both of us
but the best does not necessarily mean to let go
but by going through
have we really tried everything?
i know what needs to be change to be a better person & i'm working on it
i know better now
