His Grace

S I X

As I walked away from his house, I vowed to put an end to my plan, no matter how much it pains me to do so. My actions today have caused me to realize i've lost sight of life and that I no longer have any self respect... or even know myself, if i'm being completely honest.
I hadn't realized how much I have strayed away from the person I was just months ago, before attraction and desire took control of my life and twisted me into someone I wouldn't have expected myself to be. Why did I act like that? I have a suspicion but i'm afraid to speak it out into existence.

As I sat in front of my vanity mirror applying make up to my face, I saw the same old me but her eyes were different. Still pearly blue, but darkened with such strong emotions and deep rooted traumas and fears. why had I become so dependent, so... weak?

Why did I have this weird need to hand over the reigns of my life to a man, to want to give him permission to scold me and be disappointed and yell at me, but to also have him cherish and love me unlike any type of love i've ever felt before?

9 months ago I would've been steering clear of men and doing my own shit- doing whatever I pleased with no hesitation or fear that causes such crippling anxiety, so much so that I would willing choose to stay home and watch a few episodes of my favorite shows. These feelings were all so new and unaccounted for, and I wonder if it has to do with me officially being in my 20s as of today.

I never enjoyed my birthday (unless I was black out drunk at a club) and I never much cared for the actual meaning behind birthdays. Yes it's a day to celebrate another year of being alive, but it's also a day where your family and friends can fully devote themselves to you for once, a day full of unconditional love and prosperity.

Now that i'm sober and fully aware of everything, I can confess that I have never truly been happy on my birthday. The "Happiness" was not there without the manipulation and influence of drugs, alcohol, sex, and fights. Being so sober has never been so lonely until today.

I've been imaging spending my birthday with a special someone, hopefully going on a romantic date and then having the best sex known to man. All of these things seemed simple enough, and yet here I am; forcing myself to go out and celebrate.

Alex was the only reason i'm doing this. Screw everyone else, half of that friend group were already distant anyway so I don't really care about their presence- which is also a weird thing for me to even think about because 9 months ago I never would've thought that.

I think i'm maturing and finally taking the rose colored glasses off and truly seeing my life for what it is: a web of delusion.

Having enough of my pity party and self reflections, I added the final touch to my look, gold hoops, and stepped back in front of the mirror to look at myself. Physically I was still undeniably hot, that I could still agree on. I grabbed my purse and dragged myself out of the comfortable confinement of my room, touching the walls melo dramatically as if it was the last time i'd be here.

I shook my head at my cringe actions and took a deep breath, reaching deep into myself to pull out the bad bitch I still am. Enough of the self deprecating thoughts- I was going to get my ass into that club and have the time of my life. And so with a look of determination I walked outside and got inside of the uber I had requested a little while ago.

without sparing a glance toward the house next door, I drove off into the sunset.

-

" ONE TIME FOR THE BIRTHDAY BITCH,  TWO TIMES FOR THE BIRTHDAY BITCH, 3 TIMES FOR THE BIRTHDAY BITCH, FUCK IT UP IF ITS YOUR BIRTHDAY BITCHHHH!!"

The crowd erupted into screams and chants as I started dancing to my best friends awful but also much appreciated singing. For the first time the entire day, I had a big smile on my face- as well as smeared makeup but let's not get into that.

Alex forced me into a hug, his drunk ass screeching in my ear. I grimaced as I tried to avoid it, however it was no use because he practically glued himself to me and started spinning us around the room. I stiffly swayed along with him, frozen and dazed. If it wasn't for the incredible amount of alcohol in my system right now, I wouldn't even have made it halfway through everything that's happened.

First, I got here and was forced to put on a birthday crown. Then I had to take 3 shots in a row without a break, and then alex got me up in the Dj booth- where the Dj announced my name and the fact that it was my birthday. And to put the cherry on top, alex brought a cake and dipped my face in it.

I don't have any words, except that I don't want to remember a single part of this in the morning.

I hope this dies along with the alcohol.

He finally pulled away and leaned against a chair ( not before tripping on something).

" so you gonna get yourself some dick or what?? That man over there," he pointed to a seemingly 25 year old frat boy looking man who was very clearly eyeing me down like a keg.

" absolutely not." I quickly responded as I turned away, though it did nothing. I could still feel his stare on my bare... or rather my ass i'd imagine. Alex pouted, stumbling on the chair again, until he looked behind me and his eyes lighted up. Suddenly it was as if he was as sober as the day he was born.

" Well... he's coming over." He laughed as he straightened himself out. " Come on, let loose and at least dance with him." he gave me puppy dog eyes and even though that shit was ugly as hell and repulsing, I reluctantly agreed. I wouldn't have gotten out of this anyway, these chads are persistente when they wanted something.

With a look of dread of my face, I slowly turned around, a fake smile quickly plastering on my face. I wanted to laugh at how good I was at pretending.

" Hi pretty i'm Jackson, Mind if I could ask you to dance with me?" Were his first words to me, which wasn't bad per se, but still didn't change how I felt about doing anything with him. I internally sighed before saying yes and putting my hand in his extended one. As I got dragged away, I shot alex my death glare to which he stuck his tongue out in retaliation.

this bitch.

A weird noise left my lip when the Jackson guy got straight to the point and turned me around so that my ass was on him, very close to him. The boy left no room for jesus as he started touching me, swaying my hips for me. 

" woah buddy!" I said as he really started getting into it and I mean, really into it. His dick wasted no time in getting hard, though i'll give him props for that because I could feel that he was a pretty decent size. you don't see that a lot with a man that looks like him. We danced for 15 minutes, until I got so bored and couldn't take it anymore.

screw this.

I turned around, putting some distance behind us and just as I did, I saw the last person I expected to see in this moment and my face paled.

With vomit slowly building up my stomach, I ran the other direction toward the bathroom with a hand in my mouth and an odd feeling that I should not be feeling as i'm about to throw my guts up.

Excitement.

-

another chapter to make up for the inconsistent chapters. Hope you enjoy and as always, I did not revise this chapter so don't be surprised if you see some mistakes.

Love ya!