Skulduggery Pleasant One Shots

Initially A Commissioned Valduggery, But Turned Into A Horror About Tic Tacs

This is short, but I can not bring myself to finish it. Very sorry. Also, please check out my most recent announcement if you haven't already, because I am starting up an editing service. DM me if you want me to edit any of your work. Also, keep in mind this fic is a few years old. 

"Why are you drinking that stuff?" Valkyrie gave her friend a questioning look as she guzzled down the cursed liquid. Music pulsed through the bones of the house, beating as a heart not a place.

"This is what grownups do when they don't like the way they are feeling." The corners of her mouth were weighed down with disdain, making them twist. Valkyrie shook her head at Tanith, completely immune to the excitement permeating the party air and gushing out of the Dead Men's speakers. She had never been particularly fond of alcohol. Her parents never drunk it in excess, and she never really planned on doing it either. Her dad did let her have a sip of the hard to swallow liquid when she was younger though, which left an awful bitter sting in her throat. She grimaced at the beer sloshing in Tanith's dark glass as the blonde woman wildly moved to the erratic beat of the party's pulse. She turned around, realising just how many people had turned up at her party. The tasteful rugs were being desecrated under the pounding and wobbly feet of childish adults, the plush armchairs and lounges draped with a mixing pot of sorcerers, and Valkyrie, to her horror, found that people were taking selfies with the disturbing artwork of her shirtless uncle that she had been too scared to remove from the mansion when she inherited it.

The only free armchair next to Valkyrie was suddenly occupied as a petite woman collapsed into its cushions, groaning. Her bubble-gum hair wisped across her not entirely present countenance. "I had too many magic beans," Clarabelle breathed. "I can feel the magic coursing through me." Valkyrie's eyes widened in alarm at the possible implications of that statement, body stiff.

"Wha-"

"Ignore her," Kenspeckle advised, seemingly having appeared out of nowhere. "She just ate seven boxes of tic tacs." Who wasn't at this party?

Her brow furrowed as she crossed her arms. "Oddly enough, that's not very comforting." She side-eyed Clarabelle, who was now very loudly plotting her scheme to overthrow the Sanctuaries in order to liberate the gummy bears. Kenspeckle gazed at her grumpily.

"It wasn't supposed to be comforting. It was a warning," he pronounced as if she were stupid. "Anyway, you should go off and enjoy the party. Don't get drunk." Valkyrie nodded, knowing Kenspeckle was most likely the most sensible person in the room, if not the most sensible she had ever met. She weaved her way in and out of the clusters of gossip, precariously dodging and commando rolling until she reached a group of familiar faces. She grinned at the Dead Men before frowning a little.

"Where's my boyfriend?" Skulduggery was missing from the group. Saracen shrugged.

"Who knows with him? This is Skulduggery we're talking about." He put an arm around Dexter's shoulders and winked at him. "But mine's right here."

Valkyrie felt a pair of spindly, bony, hands wrap around her waist and a hard chin rest on her head. Her shoulders tensed as she whipped around, only relaxing once she saw who it was. He chuckled, deep and velvety. Valkyrie scowled.

"I need to put a bell on you."

"Why would you do that?" Skulduggery whined. "It's not my fault I'm so stealthy. If anything, it's yours for not hearing me."

"I may be shorter than you, but you are still beneath me." Ghastly cleared his throat, trying to stop the two before this escalated into a prank war, which had already happened far too many times for his liking.

"How did you two finally confess, anyway?" Ghastly gave Skulduggery a look. "I doubt he was the instigator, probably thinking that his confession would come at a terrible price."

The endless darkness pooling in Skulduggery's eye-sockets bore into Ghastly, his voice hollow and serious. "Yes, we are terribly overcharged for everything nowadays. Regardless, you are correct. Though Valkyrie did not confess on purpose."

"Or consciously!" Clarabelle cried. Everyone started at her appearance, not having noticed her. "I was there!" Clarabelle broke down in giggles and Kenspeckle had to drag her back to the armchair by challenging her to a match of the renowned aristocratic art of doing absolutely nothing.

"She ate 7 boxes of tic tacs," Valkyrie helpfully supplied. Anton nodded gravely.

"I banned tic tacs from my hotel for a reason."