I have been suicidal ever since- I have always wanted to be dead because of the problems that was inside of me. I just want to disappear-- it's not like everyone would miss and care anyway.
Now, here I am, in front of the mirror of my personal bathroom. I have dark circles on both under my sockets; I haven't been sleeping lately. School is nothing but a load of work, studies and... Bullies.
I heaved out a sigh, taking my phone that's been lying on the dry sink for a while now. And I grabbed a bottle of Anti-Depressant pills. Since no one cared, I'm going to overdose myself.
And then, one second, I found myself playing "The Last Night" song by Skillet. I don't get the message of the song, and I am too tired to care.
You come to me with scars on your wrists, you tell me, "this'll be the last night feeling like this,"
And then, I found myself singing along Jen's voice,
"I just came to say goodbye, I didn't want you to see me cry; I'm fine,"
But I know it's a lie.
I swallowed a pill; and swallowed another, until I feel dizzy- I didn't stop. Then tears started racing down on my cheeks. I am so scared to die, but, I wanted myself dead a lot of years now.
Just as when I was about to swallow the fourth pill, I froze. It made me drop the bottle, scattering the pills on the tiled floor. And there, for a second, I felt someone hugging me... Tightly.
Then, the chorus played.
This is the last night you'll spend alone. Look me in the eyes so I know you'll know. I'm everywhere you want me to be.
It felt like God was the one singing the lyrics with His gentle, soothing voice. It made me cry harder as I am being hugged by His Holy Spirit.
This is the last night you'll spend alone. I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go. I'm everything you want me- I'll be.
The song continued to go on for three minutes. During those times, I found myself apologizing to God for what have I planned to do with this life that He gave me.
After the song had ended, I smiled upon knowing that God had forgiven the sin I have created; I know he's telling me to go back to the starting line, and restart the race.
I did what I know He told me. I studied hard and befriended everyone. Even though there are those people who hate me, I loved them anyway, for God said, "Love your enemies."
I graduated highschool and college after ten solid years of happiness and recovery. I have a happy, Christian family and even had three lovely kids named Michaela, Maryanne and Emmanuel. They're God's gifts and I will love them unconditionally until my last breath.
That night was the last night that God let me on my own. And then I was lost, but He searched for me and set me back on my feet to race.
~
"Mom, that's sad and beautiful at the same time." Maryanne exclaimed as she wipe a tear away.
Emmanuel clung on my leg and I smiled. This year, Emmanuel is turning 6.
"That's so amazing." Michaela commented and adjusted her glasses. This 12th July, she's 15 while Maryanne turns 14 on October 1st.
"Alright, time for bed." I smiled and giggled. My three lovely and adorable children hurried to their rooms. "And don't forget to pray!"
This is Jenna Pines, wishing you a Good Night.
¤The End¤
