The Ass-Clapping of QuizUp

Chapter 1: The Funeral

      On January 20 QuizUp™'s sexy devs regretfully informed us that the app was dead.
      Today, I will be attending the funeral with some of my milf friends. The catboy, not arlo 100% not arlo this catboy is a bottom. And the VERY HAPPY frat boy, not jamie. I am not trashy and this is my story. who is trashy. I have neever heard of trashy.

     I show up at the funeral venue with tears streaming down my face. My orbs were soggy from crying. It now hurts to cry. Help

      The venue was an old timey white church with an intimidating cross on the top. The inside was made of pale birch wood and birch benches, which heavily contrasted the gloom of the attendants' dark clothing.
      There was a happy face poster on the wall in front of me, clearly directed towards children who did not yet recognize the cruel eyes of death. I do.

     I walk towards my wife, who is NOT Squidy and give her peck on the cheek. I could taste the salty tears running down her face.

     "u good bbygirl" I say, trying to suppress my own   dark grief.
     "Yeah I'm pretty poggers" she winks at me and I just stand there, appalled at her behavior at a literal funeral.
      "well no matter how u feel u will always be my little pogchamp" i whisper gently. "mwah"
        The funeral starts with Nick, the director of the funeral.
        "We are gathered here today by the death of QuizUp™, an app that ruined many of us and changed our lives for the worse." Many people in the audience begin to sob.

          "I know, I know, it is true. But we must face the future with open arms and open hearts."
He wipes a tear from his soggy old man orb. "Let us pray."

           the catboy who is NOT arlo starts to do the renegade dance from tick tock.
          "Go catboy go!" i scream at the top of my lungs.
          "hey mamas" NOT jamie walks in, leaning on the doorframe that instantly materializes next to me.

            "Yes, I know we all love catboy who is NOT arlo, but we must stay on track. Who wants to speak first?" Nick calls to the funeral audience, who are all clapping for the catboy who is not Arlo.

            "stop, stop this is a funeral" Nick says, his voice clearly distressed and old man like
            "I'll go." NOT jamie says. "First off, hey mamas." a doorframe materializes at the altar and not jamie teleports into the frame. "Second, QuizUp™ changed my life. I used to be surrounded by stale memes and the word of the Lord. But today, I face you all. Today, I see the faces of many dank memers from 2015, 2018, and even 2027.
"The day QuizUp™'s death was announced, I cried. I was so sad. But today, I've accepted my fate." Not a single tear stains their face. I am appalled. "I had lived my whole life on that app. I was physically born on August 9th, 2006, but when I joined QuizUp™ on a day that I think was probably July 5th 2016, I was spiritually reborn. It was the day I left the mortal realm and returned to where I assume I was created, which is hell.

      "The first post I ever made on GN was VERY cringe. But I thought I was cool. And I knew I was going to rule the topic. So I started my journey. And now, almost 5 years later, I have transcended AND transed my gender (cedit to cat man not arlo). I have arrived at my final form. I am the ULTIMATE QuizUp™ frat boy. I have achieved my dreams. I have become who I was meant to be. And I have Mia Nuar right by my side. Thank you, everyone, and thank you especially to QuizUp™. Thank you for ruining my whole childhood and destroying my innocence." The frat boy steps down from the podium, a single tear wetting their eye. They teleport back next to me. Another doorframe materializes. "Hey mamas," they sob.