Let Me Feel A Happiness For Once

#Ch.1

This was not a life that I wanted.

This was not a fate that I dreamed of.

This was not a reality that I imagined.

This was supposed to be a happy life, right?

Life was so cruel, at least for me. They played with me and treated me like a dust, life was never easy for me, since I was born. People kept saying “find your own happiness”… but what's happiness? Was it the feel when my parents yelled at me? When they hit me with baseball stick every time I came home from school even when I didn’t do anything wrong? When they called me unwanted child all the time? When my own brother abandoned me and saying that I should’ve died and never born to this world? When he hit me and punched me all the time? I didn’t think that was a happiness that people referred to. Where should I find ‘a happiness’ that they refering to? 

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I used to live like this ever since my sister died. Because of me, they said. My sister died of kidney cancer. She loved me, and I love her, forever. They blamed me because I didn’t want to give my only one kidney to her, well that’s what I told my parents and my brother. To tell you the truth, I really wanted to give my one and only kidney left to her even i knew i would die for that, but she insisted, it’s still a crystal clear for me, 3 days before she died…

4 years ago

-flashback-

“jiyoung-ah, thankyou for giving me your precious kidney my beautiful dongsaeng, I’m sorry unni cant take care of it, I’m sorry unni making you suffer like this, unni really sorry. I’m tired jiyoung-ah…. I want to rest…. Can I ask you a favor? Last favor?” she smiled at me. Tears were falling from my eyes.

“unni, don’t say that! You have to fight, we have to fight together, just take this kidney and you’ll be fine unni, THEY need you more than me” I said sobbing.

“aigoo my beautiful sister, why u crying? Don’t cry baby…” my sister wiped my tears.

I nodded.

“can I ask you a favor baby?” my sister asked again with her beautiful smile. She’s so beautiful even when she was sick and so pale.

I nodded.

Silence…

I looked at my sister, she smiled while looking at the outside..

“jiyoungah, you are my precious sister, I love you so much, I’m so grateful that God gave me a sister like you. Youngah, I just want to ask you… not to agree with them, not to agree to give your kidney again to me, youngah, believe me… if you think that could make me happy cause I could live… you’re wrong baby… I don’t wanna live when I know you will die when they take out your kidney for me, no I don’t want that happen…” and now my sister was crying with me.

I love her so much.

“as what I said before I’m tired youngah… and I want to rest… I’m tired with all this cemo, medicine and all… I’m tired with this life… please don’t agree with them and you should live your life happily… I want you to be happy, you deserve it baby” and now she hugged me tightly.

“can you do it for me?” she asked

What should I do? I wanted my sister to live, I’m okay even if I die..

“huh? Why you gave me a silent answer?” she pouted cutely.

“unni…”

She smiled at me.

“unni…I can-“

“yes you can, and I’ll take it as a yes, and you have to promise me now, promise?”

I cant do anything.. umma, appa, oppa… mianhae… I know you wanted Sooyoung unni to live, not me.

“promise…”

“that’s my sister” she smiled happily.

I only could answer her with a smile...

-end of flashback-

Yes, I gave my 1 kidney to my sister a year before she died, but my parents wanted me to give my other kidney again to my sister so she could live longer, they know the consequence of it, I would die and they didn’t care about it. They even didn’t ask me if I wanted to do that or not, they just told me “jiyoung, you have to give your kidney to your sister, you love your sister right?” mom said that to me.

They were so cruel, weren’t they?

But they’re still my family, family that I love the most in this world.

It’s been more than 3 years since sooyoung died, I do miss her a lot, if only I didn’t agree with her and did the opposite of what she wanted, maybe my family would live happily now without me.

I’m an introvert girl, I was so shy, that’s why I didn’t have many friends, they didn’t want to be friends with a girl like me.

I only have Jongin, yeah Jongin… he was my bestfriend before but since sooyoung died he was stay away from me because he thought that I was the reason sooyoung died, he deserved to act like that to me, since he was sooyoung’s boyfriend back then, he must be broken, so did i…

But seemed like jongin forgot that I was also broken, broken into million pieces…

Since Sooyoung died, every time I called, greeted or anything to him.. he acted like I was invincible… he acted like I never existed... so i gave up, i accepted the fact that i no longer had a bestfriend, a bestfriend that i..... ah never mind.

I have no one, he was my last hope, but he was the same with the others, he abandoned me.

I didn’t continue my study to university, because I didn’t have money… you must be confused right? I still have parents why I didn’t go to university? My parents may not be so rich but they had enough money to sent my brother study to London. They actually could send me to university, but they didn’t.

I couldn’t do anything, I could actually I tried to understand why they did that. 

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sorry for my bad grammar T_T

enjoy^_^