Needed Some Time

He was warmer than 'warm'. He was the purest. He was the most innocent.
While I was yet to discover how dark it was inside..
He was someone who would not only make your day but every single day you're alive.
Just because I denied doesn't mean I forgot, I'm not selfish as you think..I just needed time.
During the kisses that we shared, his soft touches, the times when he used to put his arms around me drawing small circles during the hard days, I used to question myself over and over again.
I was just so confused. I asked for a bit more to be sure.
He was like the softest heart that the world's ever seen. In order to not hurt him further, I had to push him further.
I never wanted to break what was there between us, because I knew the end, regret was the only thing I would be left with..I just..needed time..

Things are so unpredictable when it comes to heart. I knew what I was doing and I wanted it with all my heart until one day a voice in my mind spoke up, 'It's all wrong.' That I was holding him. He deserved the best and I knew I wasn't the one. You would probably say that I should have tried, but how could I?, when I wasn't even the one I wanted myself to be, I wasn't the best for me.

My mom used to tell me how complex love is. Once you get in it's trap, there's no way out. I finally realized that when I met him.
All my rational thoughts left me and I found myself asking for some time with swollen eyes and tear stained cheeks on our 5th anniversary just after he wished me. I could see how much it broke him but my hands were tied. If only he knew how much it broke me..
Everything was so suffocating, I needed a break.

But the days which followed, I found myself breaking more..

You would probably blame it all on me, I know, I do too. What could I do, when things seemed to be so wrong and I hated myself more and more for it.

During the 'time' I needed, I stayed, lying on my bed, with a swollen red face and tears on my cheeks that probably left marks now, my mind often drifted to the day when he held my hand as he placed himself down with one knee touching the ground while cheers could be heard from the people around. If only I would have denied..but I didn't have the heart to, thought it was all right.

And when all the 'confusion' that filled my head once was out of the door and I wanted to start again with him, heard he had already moved on. He seemed really happy and I was...glad.

When on road one day, I ran into him smiling at her with his arm around her, memories came flooding and I still wished it was me there..
And when she raised her voice at me blaming me for what I had put him through, at some point I reached my limit, I wanted her to stop so bad, it had become so hard to control myself keeping everything in and not to break down right there.
Had it been someone else I would have showed them what I can do and make them shut up but as if everything was drained out and I stood there all quiet. What would have I even said? I deserved it.
But the last words she threw hit me the most, I looked at him but it was clear that he had no intention to speak. She shouted, "Go die! You are a curse the world doesn't need! Probably you'll hurt more people while you exist!"

Maybe she was right.

Maybe it was the best way to lessen my burden which had now pressed down me under it. Even my own parents left me.
I saw as our once 'happy' family broke day by day. They both went on their own ways and I was left all alone.

I was tired..tired of trying to survive. No matter how much I wanted to heal the wounds that were added every single moment to the already existing ones, but I was tired already.

I was tired of never being sure. I had tried enough to cope up with the world but maybe it wasn't for me. I convinced myself to live on without him but I didn't have the energy anymore. This time I wanted to be truely free.
Free from everything- all burden, responsibilities, people..wanted to finally close the book.

And here I am, standing at the edge of the cliff. We used to come here often, stargazing, with our fingers tightly clasped together as we wished a forever of togetherness.
I confronted the heavens about everything which soon concluded with  thanking the heavens and stepped into the bottomless abyss.
I smiled yet again as life flashed in front of my eyes, all the beautiful moments..as I let myself get engulfed into the darkness.

Maybe next time..I'll try harder.