XIV
July comes and goes, and I watch Luke deteriorate. August. September. Mom’s getting huge, still sneaking around doing God knows what. Lauren cries often, Luke sleeps often, and I feel like I’m losing my mind. Kylee, Amy, and Jacob come over less, Fox spends weeks at a time at my house, just holding me together. October passes, and I can’t take Lauren or Luke trick or treating because Luke can no longer walk. It’s November now. Lauren is going to school, and I watch Luke pine to be with her. Luke is in a wheelchair now. He’s thin and tired and while his hair is growing back due to lack of chemo, he looks sick. I fold and unfold CiCi’s mom’s phone number, not ready to call her. Not ready to accept the fact that CiCi is okay and Luke will never be okay. Every morning I wake up and my heart drops because Luke may not be here. Lauren had started to sleep in my bed because she can’t bear to sleep next to Luke.
I don’t know what to do with myself these days. I don’t go to school, can’t work, and can’t do anything with the twins because most days I can’t rouse Luke from his bed. I hate being at home, I hate watching my brother die. I hate it. Fox is here with me today, and it playing Monopoly with Luke while Lauren is at school. I watch from the couch, my chin resting on my palm. “Come play Tay,” Luke says, smiling. His eyes are sunken in, and even when he smiles, they look empty. Does he know? Does he understand? I shake my head. I can barely bring myself to talk without tearing up lately. I know it’s coming, it’s inevitable, but I can’t help but bring myself to accept it. I go through the stages of dying a good three times a day, but never seem to reach acceptance. As soon as I reach the depression stage I start over. It seems like I’m living the same day over again and again.
***
Mom is having a boy. We found out last month. She hasn’t picked out a name and won’t let me do it this time. I don’t care about the baby at this point. As of now, I hate the baby. The fact that it’s a boy makes me hate it more. It’s not its fault, obviously, but it’s like a Luke replacement. I don’t want it to come. I wish it were the baby who was sick instead of Luke. The baby has no idea what it’s like to be alive, hasn’t experienced anything, it doesn’t know. I hate myself for thinking this, but these days I hate myself for everything.
They finish the game and I clean up. Luke wheels into his room to watch TV, leaving Fox and I alone. Mom is in her room, which is unusual because she’s never home. I don’t care where she is anymore. I don’t care what she does at all. Fox looks at me with sympathy and I hate it.
“Taylor,” he says quietly, stepping towards me, “Where are you? I know you’re in there. The shell of you, but it’s not you.” He pushes a strand of hair behind my ear. “I still love you,” he bends down to talk in my ear, “But I need to know you’re still in there.”
“I’m sorry,” I mumble, “I don’t know where I am.” I know it’s not me, but I can’t seem to find myself anymore. He kisses my forehead and rests his fingers under my ear. I hold his wrist gently and close my eyes. I sigh, “I’m not ready Fox.” He kissed me gently but I feel nothing. I am completely numb. “We should go get Lauren.”
He drives because I haven’t been stable enough since August. The pickup line moves slowly and I spot Lauren. She looks lost, but she sees us and makes her way over. She climbs in the back and starts talking about her day. I can’t pay attention, so I’m glad Fox is so into it. I feel like I’m neglecting her, but I can’t help it. I can’t do anything. I lay my head back and close my eyes again. The dark is comforting. Fox reaches out and takes my hand in his. I link my fingers with his, but I don’t open my eyes.
At home Lauren runs to talk to Luke about her day. Fox and I sit on the couch, just staring. I feel bad that he’s still with me. I don’t know why he is, honestly. He’s been the only constant in this whole whirlwind situation. Holding onto him I the only thing that makes sense right now. “Are you hungry?” he asks. I shake my head. He sighs, “You haven’t been eating much the past few months. I can tell.”
