No, I'm Just Delusional (Phan) RE-WRITE IN PROCESS

Neutral

Dan-

I wake up and check my clock on the bed side table, is four am. I close my eyes again. My breathing laboured. 'Just a bad dream.' Willing myself to believe it. I close my eyes but all I can see are the scattered limbs strewn across the once tranquil field. I count my breath, trying to calm down. One, two, three... I slowly start to drift off.

I awake to my beeping phone telling me its time to get up. I sigh not wanting to get out of bed. Last nights nightmare will definitely have an impact on the way I act today. I breath deeply. Today I am going to be neutral. I won't show any emotion. I take another deep breath. Today was not going to be easy.

I make my way to school ignoring my buzzing phone. I am neutral. Breathe. I arrive at school nothing out of the ordinary. I get my park beeping at a few idiots along the way. I turn off the engine and sit, just sit. I am startled when someone bangs on my window. It's PJ. I get out a scowl on my face. Reaching back in to get my parker, its so cold it is snowing.I don't say anything and make my way over to the rest of the crowd. They chat a while and I just zone out. I've been doing that a lot actually.

The first bell rings and I head to History, the only class I don't have with anyone. I ditch my usual seat up the front, and make my way up the back, taking the seat right next to the corner. I put my head down on the desk and close my eyes, wishing the day was over already.

“Ahem.” Someone clears their throat. I look up hopefully. Just some kid who thinks his tough. He realises its me and apologises. I put my head down again and hear someone sit down next to me. I wait till I hear the teacher walk in then put my head up. I am shocked to realise that it's Lester who has taken the seat next to me. I look away quickly and the teacher begins the lesson.

After a while I think he notices me as the suddenly stiffens. I glance over and notice he is staring at me. I hastily look away. I didn't even know he was in this class. I glance down at my empty page. I am meant to be working on my assignment that is due in tomorrow on the history of the Australian Aboriginals.

“Dan?” I hear from my left. I turn and look at Lester. He has recovered from the shock and is now giving me a questioning stare. “Yes?” I whisper.

He looks like his giving him self a pep-talk and a look of worry covers his face. “Dan...” He sighs. “Did, did you take me to the hospital?” He says it so fast I almost don't catch it. Almost. A look of terror coats his features and he cringes up against the wall. 'Neutral.' I tell myself. 'Stuff it.' I reach over to his table and grab his hand he is paralysed. This is all my fault. I cant believe I did this to him. I don't let go of his hand for a couple more seconds and when I do, I find myself missing the warmth. I shake my head. No, neutral.

“What are you talking about?” I reply. I know I promised myself I wouldn't bully Phil anymore, but this doesn't count right? I'm not hurting him. I know lying is wrong but if he ever found out the truth I could loose my reputation. I really wouldn't care if I did lost my reputation but my father would and I cannot risk that. I have no idea what he'd do.

Lester gives me a confused look and remain neutral. He looks down at his work and taps his pen. “But,b-but the nurse said it was you.” he whispers confused. I shake my head.

“She must of gotten confused with someone else,” it pains me to ay this “ we just left you and came to school.” Lester looks away hurt and I instantly feel guilty. 'No' I tell myself I am not gay! I have had tens of girls friends. He doesn't reply and finishes his work. The bell goes and I everyone leaps out of their seat heading to their next class. Lester and I are the only ones left in the room, even the teacher has left.

“Dan, I need to know, did you take me to the hospital?” I turn around. Breathe.

“No.” I walk over to the door.

“Dan, please.” I turn once again and his face is begging.

“Lester,” I say with a snarl. “I have no idea what you are talking about. LEAVE ME ALONE!” I storm out of the room slamming the door shut and run to the bathroom. I lock one of the stalls and sink to the ground.

'I can't feel like this. I am not this person. I cannot be.' I repeat this over and over in my head, each time feeling less and less true. Tears stream down my face. I look at my self. “Your so pathetic.” I tell myself, believing it. I hear the bell going for the start of second period. I know I can't let people see me like this.

Just as I will myself to stop crying I hear someone enter the bathroom. I curl up in a ball on the floor and hear someone enter the bathroom stall and I shut up. I have given up on my hopes of staying neutral. I hear the lock turned and someone fall to the floor. “Hello?” I ask. “Are you ok?' I worry. “Yes. I am fine.” is the harsh reply I get back. It is a guy and his voice is raspy and some how familiar.

I get up and open my door. I knock on the door next to me and the person opens it. My eyes go wide with shock.

It's Lester.