Dance Through Trauma

March 27, 2021

Midnight: The medications I'm currently on are Gabapentin and Fluoxetine to treat my sick brain. I've been taking Fluoxetine since late October 2019 and Gabapentin since probably March 2020. So far, my OCD and Bipolar Disorder are mild. However, my PTSD continues to be the same. It was worse in late 2019 during my mental health crisis, but it's still severe today. I would try another medication for my PTSD and see if it works, but I'm not sure because the side effects can be uncomfortable. I'm fine with the medication I'm on now, but I do want my PTSD to improve. Or maybe, it won't improve. I'm pretty sure it'll be there for the rest of my life unless a cure or better treatment is made in the future. If it weren't for PTSD, I wouldn't be so afraid of going out in public places because I fear the people there will harm me whether they do it emotionally or physically. My amygdala is probably one of the biggest amygdalas ever. If that were actually true, not only would it be funny, but it would also not be surprising. I have PTSD and OCD; two mental disorders that involve anxiety. They're part of Steven, not Xander. Remember, when I write from an emotional perspective, that is Steven, not me (Xander). I like to identify as just an entity. I know I've said that already in my previous diary entries, but I want to write it one more time in case you don't remember and when I say "you," I mean the person who is reading this! Anyways, I want to go off topic now, so don't mind me! So, yesterday, I was very active at home. I was playing and laughing with my four little siblings Damian, Kathleen, Ovi, and Jesiah. I spent a lot of time tapping on the kitchen table, not only yesterday, but also the day before yesterday. Lately, I've been expressing my autistic traits at home so I no longer have to mask and pretend to be a neurotypical. However, I fear that my mom's boyfriend will try to hurt me because he will think that I'm "crazy." I also fear that my mom will think that I'm acting "childish" because I never behaved this way in a while around her but I want to let my body's true nature express itself. Autistic masking may protect me from misunderstanding and discrimination from the neurotypical society, but holding all my autistic traits can be exhausting. Imagine having to hide your natural personality because of fear and hostility. I'm tired of it, so no matter what reaction I will receive by people, I will let my body express its autism because that is healthy unlike masking. I will appear awkward and make people cringe with my interests, but that's because they don't understand my neurodivergence! I don't think it'll ever be fully easy for me to be my autistic self around other human beings whether it's in person or online. The only people I can express my autism to are my parents and siblings, even though they're little. The oldest is Jamie, 14 years old, while the youngest, Jesiah, is 1 year old. My parents have known me since the day I was born (June 25, 2002). We trust each other, even though my father can misunderstand or get angry at home easily. My mom however is very kind and understanding, but she's new to the topic of autism. Me and my little brother, Ovi, are on the spectrum. My mom found out about our autism in 2020 and my mom has much to learn about us. I do educate her about autism from time to time so she better understands me and Ovi. On the other hand, educating my mom about ADHD (which my brother Damian has) will also help her better understand my brother, who is also neurodivergent. And yes, my mom has three neurodivergent sons! Jamie, my 14 year old brother, isn't a neurodivergent, and as of today, my two sisters, Kathleen and Jesiah, aren't thought to be neurodivergents, but if they turn out to be like me, then that would be cool! Even if they're just neurotypicals, that's cool too! Well, I want to put that topic aside now and talk about Kari, an online friend. So, Kari attempted suicide, but fortunately survived. I have no knowledge of what he did, but one of his friends told me that Kari had to go to the hospital after the attempt, which happened because someone accused him of lying about his history of sexual abuse. I'm a victim myself, so I know how hard it can be to struggle with PTSD from sexual abuse. Whoever accused him of lying must leave him alone for their own good and of Kari's. Eitherwise, things may get worse. I just hope he's okay now and recovers soon. He deserves to continue living but a life full of goods. I can't bear to watch innocent people get harmed by toxic people, but this is how the world works, I guess.

Morning: It's 10 AM, and I just woke up. When I went to brush my teeth at the bathroom, my mom's boyfriend went to my room to get my sister Kathleen out of there since he doesn't want her in my room nor in Damian's room. So, while he was getting Kathleen out of my room, he told my mom that he didn't want me keeping the heater in my room on all-day. My mom told him that I don't keep it on all day. He gets mad when we keep the lights on all day. So, he started getting mad at my mom because of the heater. He was yelling at my mom with his aggressive voice, which scared me while I was in the bathroom because I thought he was going to hit my mom. Yeah, he would hit my mom over the heater. Anyway, my mom yelled at him back telling him that he only likes to cause problems and said something about me coming back here in January, that I didn't get to hear completely. So, when I left the bathroom, the heater wasn't in my room anymore. It's not my heater as it is my mom's boyfriend's heater. I'm not sure if I'll get it back because my room needs the heater in order for it to be warm. But, what I'm worried about right now is that my mom's boyfriend doesn't like me at all, which I already knew as it is obvious that he doesn't like me nor want me here at this house. I'm just worried that he will hurt me. I wouldn't be surprised because after all, there is so much hostility in human society. Just look at all the people that hurt me during my childhood and adolescence. I just wish I could live on an island or in space alone without any humans, so that way, I would be safe.

Afternoon: I tried to convince my mom to go to the police department nearby to report her boyfriend but she told me that it wasn't the right time. She would do it in the future or when something happens to one of us like if he physically attacks her again, then she will report him. I'm not sure how all of this affects my mother but it does affect me a lot. I moved out of my father's house because he just doesn't understand me and thinks that I'm just lazy for not going to work when I can't because my PTSD makes it hard. How can I work knowing there are humans around? They can hurt me! I don't like the way my traumatized brain thinks, but I just can't control it. It's so hard and it's not like I can switch off my PTSD. So, living here with my mom's boyfriend is a nightmare for me because how can I live in the same place as an abuser who has threatened my mom with death threats? So, obviously I will be afraid and anyone living here would be afraid too, but as someone with PTSD and OCD, my brain is wired to be more anxious than someone without mental illness. I want to live with my mom and help her with my siblings for a while until I can live alone somewhere, but for now, where can we go? My mom doesn't have someone who can take us with them to stay at their place or something like that because she has no friends nor family here in Missouri. However, my mom said that one of her friends from Georgia will come pick her up in a month but her friend can't now because her friend is dealing with her own problems at the moment. Plus, my mom has no money nor a car! It's hard for us and it's even harder for her as an immigrant in this country. I could work, but I am severely disabled, so I can't as of now. I can't force myself to go to work because my PTSD will pull me into an ocean of major anxiety. Plus, there's my bipolar disorder and OCD. Fortunately, they're mild as of now but not my PTSD, so I can't work. I applied for SSI benefits, which would help me financially as a disabled person with no work history, but the SSA takes a long time to respond to my application. I feel like I have no help in this country and even if there are places to help me, I can't get help without having to sign so many papers and whatever else is required like ugh, I can't deal with so much stuff. It's so stressful for me, so I need strong support or have someone else do the work for me. There's probably programs to help people like me out there, but why does the process have to be so complicated? This is all tiring, but as Xander, I just stay emotionless and when I'm able to enforce Xander's perspective onto my physical body, it helps me calm down, so even if I'm about to die, I will be calm. So, hopefully I can do this while we're here and hopefully, my mom's boyfriend does nothing to us. People like him just make my PTSD worse because they add more logical reasons to why humanity is nothing but full of evil. I know not everyone intends to harm others, but my traumatized brain doesn't see that.

- March 27, 2021