Fair Play (Taylor Swift // Hozier)

Part 1 - Drive

I can’t believe I’m doing this. I can’t believe my mind has finally come to this conclusion. The snow has just started falling and the large flakes land softly on the windshield of my car as I sit at a stoplight. The red light seems unusually long but it could also just be my mind abusing me again. It never lets me rest.

Both of my hands tightly grip the steering wheel and my whole body is tense. I raise my left hand from the wheel and rub the back of my neck. My stress and frustration has finally managed to physically manifest its self into my joints. It’s been a grueling week for me emotionally and the events of last night have directly led me to my current frame of mind. I get a sudden sprout of irritation as I recall the embarrassment. And it’s all because of him. It’s always because of him. I shake the thought of him out of my mind. Thinking of him will only make me lose my nerve and I need all the courage I can muster for tonight.

I quickly glance to my left as a car pulls up beside me at the stoplight. I instinctually lock eyes with the driver and I’m met with a wide-eyed gaze of shock. I can tell by the woman’s reaction that she recognizes me and I panic and avert my eyes from her direction. Being acknowledged in public is a situation that I’ve generally become used to but in this moment it just makes me feel paranoid and insecure. I feel judged even thought I’m aware that the fellow driver has no idea what’s happening inside my head. I remember that I set my purse in the passenger’s seat earlier and I glance over at it hastily. The lace of a black ribbon hair tie is visible through the zipper teeth of my bag and I shift in my seat uneasily. I take my hands off the wheel and lean over in my seat to grab the bag. My fear of the other driver seeing my purse and making any incriminating assumptions is irrational, especially considering how dimly lit the street is and the fact that she can’t possible think I’m up to anything mischievous. After all, I am America’s innocent sweetheart. But even with these fair signs of reassurance, it’s not something I’m willing to risk. As I place the bag on the floorboard I feel safer almost instantly.  My paranoia is unjustified but with my current status I’ve learned to be very careful about every movement or questionable action I make in the public eye. This car drive is no exception.

            As I straighten back up in my seat, I notice the light has turned green and the woman driver is no longer beside me. I relax a bit but for some reason I ignore the light and sit in silence. The street is quiet and I like it this way. I need to take this moment of stillness to psych myself up. I look in the rearview mirror and study myself. My eyes are as blue as ever but there is a hostility behind them that is unfamiliar. This week has had its toll on me and it’s apparent to me that anyone who looked my way could feel my enmity purely through my eyes. My hair is a mess and I try to comb through it with my fingers. My effort isn’t being very rewarding so I give up. My make up is the only thing about me that I approve of right now. My lips are bright red and my mascara is cat-like. It makes me feel pretty. Mom always told me that I looked my best with a smile so I try to fake one in the mirror but it doesn’t feel right. It looks like I’ll be disappointing her tonight.

(I'm aware that this first entry is short but I'm just posting so that I can get any possible feedback. Feel free to share your thoughts and I promise the next part will be lengthier.)