Sincerely, Mady.

7

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When I look at myself, all I see is a girl with long hair and almond shaped eyes. I was five foot, with an average body type and the top part of my body was somehow longer than the bottom half. I was never the perfect, ideal girl. Never the girl that someone would ever date, love or care for-- but then came Damen. He made me feel alive, wanted, loved-- happy. I decided to date him, only after knowing him for a few days. How stupid could I have been? Very stupid. You see, Damen was the type of guy who knew what he was doing. He knew how to word things, make a girl feel like she's everything to him, and then do what he did to me. It was our eight month anniversary; the worst night of my life. Not only did Damen forget it, but I went over to his house and caught him in bed with another girl. I didn't go crazy, hit him, cuss him out. I only said two things: 'how could you?' And 'We're officially done!' Then left. And the worst part of it all is, he didn't even chase after me.

That wasn't the only time Damen had made me feel like I was nothing. After six months, when I still wouldn't give him what he wanted-- he stopped trying. He stopped taking me on dates, buying me gifts or even saying I love you. It hurt so much. And after what happened when I caught him with that girl: I swore I would never love again or let anyone in.

But Jack-- he's different. He is sweeter, kinder and softer. He respects me more than Damen ever did. He respects that I have trouble with letting anyone in or trusting someone, and the fact that I'm not ready for intimacy in a relationship. He understands me, well, the part of me that he actually knows. I don't think I could ever tell him the deepest and darkest part of me. The girl who went off the deep end-- and I mean deep. The part of me who had a dad who would beat my mom in front of me-- who would even put his hands on me. He would hurt the people whom he said he loved, and somehow my mom would always forgive him. I was actually sad when my dad overdosed on drugs, even though I hated him. It's physically and mentally impossible for me to hate someone, but somehow I hated him. I guess I felt bad because he was my paternal father? That's the other reason why I don't open up-- why I am afraid. The man who gave me DNA sat there and abused us, cheated on my mom, called her names and treated her like she was nothing after all the things that she did for him. My mom is married now though, and I am very grateful for him. For Jamie, he is there for her and treats her like the woman she is. He doesn't call her names, hits her or mistreats her-- he actually loves her. And how my mom could love and trust again after my dad, gives me hope for Jack and I.

Maybe I can love again. I couldn't possibly be a lost cause. Now I am almost twenty and officially moving along with my life. I can't be afraid forever, right? I didn't want to be alone forever and be the old crazy lady living with a bunch of cats.

And Jack seemed to be my only way out of my problem. He sparked something in me, something raw and uncontained that started a turmoil inside my head.

I sighed and grabbed another one of the chips from the bowl that resided in my lap.

I was watching Pitch Perfect, my favorite movie, but I wasn't feeling it today.

Sarah plopped down beside me and grabbed a handful of chips. "You look so depressed. What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm just thinking."

"About what?"

"About Jack."

"Well you looked depressed for a person who is supposedly thinking about a love interest."

I swatted her arm playfully. "I'm fine. Seriously."

"Mhm." She shoved a few chips in her mouth. "Tell me that when you actually mean it."