George and Paul's First Kiss

George's Journal

Journal entry 1:

I tried, God knows I have tried. But every time that I see him, smiling at me with those lips... I lose all control and just can't even think. All goes to hell, and right then and there. If you were there to see me, you would say I looked like an idiot, looking at the plumpest, fullest, most beautiful lips, in all Liverpool.  I think it is just impossible to hide this anymore.  And it makes me real nervous to think that he could have noticed already how much I am drawn to his lips.

But the worst is not just all the times that I stare, but what I feel compelled to do while I am at it.  It's a sin, I know, but if only I could just taste those lips, even if just one time, then I would be satisfied.  But to be fair, he is just beautiful, all of him.  His soft dark hair, his puppy eyes, his arched brows, his long and thin legs... and then, like a jewel in his extraordinary face, those delicious, and very kissable lips... I want to eat those lips. Or get drunk on them. Or God forbid, other stuff, that I'd rather not even mention here.

It's almost unfair that a guy can be so beautiful, so feminine, and yet such a boy too.  I cannot lie to myself anymore, and have to admit that I find him attractive, in the same way that I find girls attractive.  There is no way around it.  And it is worse because he is like a brother to me.  I see him all the time, and it makes it harder to try and forget, because the reality of my attraction to him is as undeniable as the fact that my name is George Harrison. It is an immovable truth, and I don't know how to deal with it anymore.

I know that I cannot really indulge in that sort of thoughts or desires. I have to push them out of my mind because they are dangerous, sinful, forbidden. And illegal.

But that is such bullshit too. To begin with, how can you make illegal love thoughts and feelings? This world is completely messed up.

This is stupid, but if I was to rant... I would say that being as beautiful as he is, should be illegal. It is too much temptation for everyone, no matter if you are a boy or a girl. Everyone wants him.  He is like a disturber of the peace with all his sex appeal. Wherever he goes, birds swoon over him.  Girls and boys, mind you.  I have seen it. The way that other boys look at him, spell-bounded, because well... look at him.  And I absolutely hate it when others cling around him, because many times, he goes with the flow and indulges.  At least with the girls. 

I know that he is the closest with me, however. And I feel hopeful sometimes that he may be feeling these same feelings.  Just the thought of it makes me want to scream.

I wonder if he has ever kissed a boy... He is such a lover boy.

Maybe I should ask him. But then, maybe that would be suspicious or would lead to other questions.

I better keep my mouth shut.

Journal entry 2:

Paul has been my best mate for over five years now, I have had a crush on him ever since I met him. Sure, the first thing I noticed was how stunning he is.  But if he was just beautiful and empty, it would have been easy to get over him.  Which is not the case.

He is brilliant, sensitive and so talented.  I will never forget the time I first heard Paul singing. My jaw dropped in astonishment. What a power.  I have been in awe with his voice ever since.

What I love the most is when I play the guitar and he sings with me. Like today.  We were so close to each other that I could feel his breath on my face. I cherish these times because I suppose that this is the closest that we are ever going to be, considering everything.  I hang on to moments like these and I revisit them constantly, like sweet secret dreams that take up a whole area in my brain. I cherish all the little things, even when I don't really know if they are as important to him. I do hope they are though.

Like that one time when we were playing Elvis and he was so close to me that his lips brushed my left cheek accidentally. Pretty much, I can confidently say that every time we practice something happens, that makes me swoon over Paul. And I hold to these moments like treasures, wishing that one day, I can gather the strength to tell Paul all about this.