Poetry - Raw Feelings

It's Okay to Want To Be Taken Care Of

A part of me feels selfish. I cry because it makes me feel like a "bad" person. The part of me that acts selflessly is tired. What do I wish? To not be selfish or that it becomes widely accepted to be so? It's the part that feels drained by taking care of myself that I don't have the capability or the want to care for someone else. 

Years ago when I pinpointed this emotion, I pushed it away, only feeling shame for it. Feeling disgusted, I knew I had to be selfless. I had to have consideration for my mom especially; the one who infused me with guilt. The guilt of being sustained by her hard work and effort - her sacrifices. 

On the other hand, why was I always being silenced? Or when I did speak, I was misunderstood, judged, and labeled. I felt enraged! Except I didn't allow myself to feel. I just sat there, expressionless, going about the motions. 

As I was thinking about deceiving the people I lived with I didn't realize I deceived even the thing I lived in - my body. 

Now years later I can't believe I'm still running the track.

What does the selfish part of me want? 

To be felt? Well, here I am!

To be protected? I have a wife who would lay her life for me without a second thought. I have protection. 

To have my way? Way of what? I feel like a child throwing a tantrum for not being allowed to fall off the edge into an abyss. 

Another thing that this selfish part of me wants is effortless abundance and fun. I can't help but feel that I grew up too quickly. I saw through the bullshit way too early and I don't want to partake in the show anymore. 

So that "mature" child, in reality, needs help the most. I'll allow help to flow in, in the way of my wife's arms around me. Her everlasting love engulfing every second of my life. I haven't stepped into the backseat. Now I have a copilot.

It's okay to want to be taken care of.