Afraid

Ch. 19 - Feelings? I don't know her

Violet

I barely register Alexandra giving me the go ahead before I barge into Carolina's office.

"I have a problem", I announce dramatically, laying on the couch, "Or I guess, technically I have two problems". I contemplate, thinking of both Sebastián and Adrien. Yeah that seems more accurate. My stomach already seizing into knots.

Caro's lip twitches in amusement, trying to keep it professional, "What kind of problems?"

I gag, faking a sudden on set of nausea, "Boy problems". I whisper, my voice barely audible as I shudder in disgust.

She cracks a smile this time, trying to hold in a laugh. "And who are we talking about specifically?", She asks, a knowing glint in her eyes.

"I think you know", I retort, making a face.

"Hmm?", Her brows furrow and she shakes her head, feigning ignorance.

I sigh heavily, sitting up. My shoulders slumped forward, crossing my legs. My right knee bouncing with nerves, "Ok. Well, you remember Adrien? I've mentioned him before".

She glances down at her notebook, flipping through a couple pages, "Childhood friend, right?"

I nod, "Yeah. Uh, we're kind of hanging out again". I clasp my fingers together on my lap then apart, pulling and twisting at my fingers until I ultimately clasp them together again in a tight grip.

"Hanging out?", She asks me to elaborate, noting my nervous ticks.

I look away, bashful, "And having sex...a few times".

"I thought that didn't work out so well the last time you both decided to add a sexual component to your relationship?", She scribbles down some notes, "Unless something changed?"

I shake my head,"No nothing's changed. At least I don't think...I don't know", I cross my arms over my stomach, sitting forward, "But I know, I know. It was stupid...Is stupid".

"Why do you say that?"

I shrug, still avoiding eye contact. My gaze locked on a painting hanging on the wall. It's my favorite one in the room. A calming photorealistic painting of a mossy green forest opening to a field of tiny white and purple flowers. I look at it every time I can feel myself starting to spiral. "I don't know. That's why I'm here. I need you to tell me why I keep instigating this sexual relationship with him time and time again, when it never works out!", I finally look at her, my eyes wide and forlorn, "Why am I so willing to risk this friendship for a fucking orgasm!? An orgasm that I am more than capable giving myself!" I huff, finally taking a much needed breath.

She's quiet for a moment, assessing my distress. Her head cocked to the left, thoughtful and empathetic. "You're not a bad person, Violet. You know that right?"

I scoff, shaking my head in disbelief but say nothing.

She sighs softly in response, patient. "You're not a bad person", She reiterates, "You want love. Someone to care for you. Someone to build romantic intimacy with. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. In fact, you deserve it. You deserve to love and be loved. Whatever you want", She pauses, sending me a meaningful look, "But maybe this Adrien isn't the right guy to form this romantic relationship with. You want someone, not just anyone. Remember that. Don't settle for Adrien because it's comfortable. Be with him, only if he's who you really want".

I give her a hard look, wanting nothing more than to shut down and run away. My jaw locked, my body tense with agitation. "But there lies the problem. How do I know whether he is or isn't what I really want?"