Dance Through Trauma

April 3, 2021

Yesterday was a different day for me. Everyone at home went to this place with mini-buildings for kids to play in. I enjoyed my time there and I let my autism express itself by playing around without having to worry about how socially inappropriate I may appear to the neurotypicals around me. I admit, I was kind of worried about people judging me there, but I tried my best to enjoy my time at the place. I was running around a little, playing with toys in some of the mini-buildings, and walking around the place to observe my surroundings. I did have a few stares from people because of my behavior, but it's part of my body's nature. I accept my autism, and that's all I need, but I'm very appreciative of my mother for accepting who I am. I will not suppress my autism to please a society led by people who believe autism is a sickness! If I will be discriminated against for my autism, I will stick with my Xander's perspective and try my best to make my subconscious (Steven) to remain content. This also applies to any of my other traits like my ethnicity (Hispanic) or sexual orientation (Homosexual). Yeah, I may get killed in other places of this world for having different traits, but if I couldn't express my body's own personality, it will cause emotional distress and end up harming me, just like how people in other places in this world will harm me, whether it's because I'm autistic, gay, hispanic, or anything else. After all, death is just death. I will die anyway, and time has no meaning to me, so if I live a short life or a long life, it won't matter. The longer I live, the more I will see. The shorter I live, the less I will see. For me, more or less of something has no emphasis, consciously. Anyway, this was the most comfortable I ever felt with being my autistic self around people in public. I only did this when I was much younger, but I had to mask myself because of the extreme bullying that I faced everyday of my life back then. I'm glad those days are over because if another human being ever dares to hurt me again, I will defend myself and not let them harm me anymore. And thank goodness that no one told me anything against my behavior. I know for neurotypicals, an 18 year old guy wouldn't act like me since their experiences are different, but difference does not mean wrong, speaking from an emotional perspective. Oh, I already know how weird it is that my brain has two minds; Xander and Steven. Trust me, I wish I had one, which would be Xander, but there's just no way that I can remove Steven because he is my body's natural personality. You can not remove the subconscious from a human body, either wise, I will have to control everything in the body that the universe led me to. I'm in content with my subconscious anyway, well, I feel nothing about this situation nor with any other situation because again, Xander is emotionless! Content is something associated with emotion, but I sometimes say that when I say how Xander responds to certain topics because it is the closest to true nothingness; something humans can not experience until death. I know I've said this many times already, but I feel like I didn't say it clear enough, so let me say it: Xander is who I really am; an emotionless, non-human entity. Steven is just my subconscious or my body's natural personality; an emotional, human-like entity. Steven is the personality born from the birth of my body, while Xander was born out of Steven since 2020. Many of my thoughts won't make sense and they will seem strange, but just so you know, I'm sane and content. So, do not worry about my way of thinking or however you see things, emotionally. Steven is the one you may worry about though, but not Xander! Xander has no empathy, and that doesn't mean that he's evil or sociopathic. He's not human nor any other creature that experiences empathy, but he only focuses on himself and does not interfere with anything in the universe as he is a peaceful entity, so he's nothing to worry about. If Steven could be exactly like Xander, then he would be content, but that's impossible as of now because Steven is mentally-ill and human. Anyways, I'm about to go off-topic and write a little about something before I finish for today. So, I'm obsessed with Selena Quintanilla! I can't get over her 'Dreaming Of You' music album from 1995. Her voice was so beautiful, so was her personality, but of course, her life was taken away. Her death really saddens me because it shows you can not trust anyone, even your own best friend. Even you could hurt yourself! When I read about Selena's tragic death, I just see how cruel humans can be to the innocent. However, despite my disappointment, I believe that someday, humanity will reach full-peace.

- April 3, 2021