Thoughts of a Teenage Mosaic

Fake Niceties

You watch your shows and movies. Sometimes you tell me about your favorites. The same goes for your favorite songs and other things. I do the same, but I don't want to talk to you about the deep real issues that I deal with. I know it would just make you uncomfortable or you wouldn't know what to say which would just make me feel worse. I can make jokes about somethings that affect me more then you would think but that's about as far as we go.

I still don't know if I'm ready to admit to myself that I only try to talk to you as much as I do because I don't have anyone else. There was a point in time when you were genuinely some of my favorite people in the world and I did everything with you and loved you more than almost everyone. I don't want to let that go but I also know that I would be lying to myself if I said that was still true. And so would you. We talk about how amazing it used to be and all the great thing we used to do and it's not like we don't still make memories and have a good time together but it's not as natural as it used to be. And it feels like work to try and start it up each time, which just makes me mad because it used to come way more naturally.

The thing is I don't know what I want to get out of our relationship. The only thing that I wish could happen is for us to go back to how it used to be but that's not an option. Because for some reason I don't want to talk to you about the things you do that make me upset or feel like you don't like or appreciate me. And unless I do say something then nothing is ever going to get better.

So I guess at this rate your going to keep ignoring my texts that don't technically necessarily need responses but it would be nice to feel like your listening. Your also going to keep making plans with other people or keep on saying that your going to do something with me just to do it with someone else half the time. And your going to keep on not having my back when I feel like it matters most. And we're just gonna keep slowly drifting apart while everyone around us thinks we're still just as close as we've ever been.

I think the most frustrating part is that I don't know why I don't feel comfortable telling you how I feel. Little things happened here and there but I don't think I would have been smart enough when those things happened to just decide to carry that hurt and resentment with me all those years. I don't know. I guess I just grew into becoming a person who wanted more from you and you couldn't read my mind so that just never happened.

I don't know  if you can tell (even though it's pretty obvious) but there is a layer of fake niceties with how we talk to each other from my point of view. Where it's almost as if we know that we have hurt each other before even though I think it's just because we're scared to see each other's bad side for some reason. Which has always been around and I don't really understand why. Maybe we were all just taught so well to not cause trouble that we just never wanted to confront each other or other anyone else on anything.

I know even right if I just told you want was bothering me then it would be really weird at first but then we would pretty much be back to normal. And I don't know why I feel like I would never actually do that because after typing this all out I'm starting to realize how fucking stupid this all sounds. The fact that for years I've just been sitting here feeling bad about about our relationship and us drifting apart because I know damn well that if I'm not talking to you then I don't have anyone left. And all I have to do to fix that is tell you that I get upset sometimes when you do little thing that make me mad. Because on a realistic note I know that there is a very good chance that I'm going to have the same problem with everyone else I know because that's just how people are. People do and say things and at some point something is going to make me feel bad.

Maybe I'm scared. What am I saying. I know I'm scared. There are so many people in the world that I don't like and if I talk to you about our problems then the best case scenario is that you stop doing those things and we get a lot closer. With getting close to people comes seeing their true colors and them seeing yours. Every annoying thing that you both do and every flaw. I'm honestly scared that if you knew me better then the facade would  fade and you wouldn't like what you saw. And maybe the same thing would happen with you and then what.  I can tell that right now you don't like me as much as you used to but still for some reason it's comforting to know that part of how you used to feel about me is still there. You are the only people that I've ever been close to to and I don't know if other people would even like me as much as you do. I mean technically yes I know that some people somewhere would like me either as much or way more than you because of how many different types of people there are the world. Relating back to what I said before about people being like art. But there is no guarantee that I will ever find those people. And so far I've been here for almost 19 years and no one else has ever seemed to like me as much as you did back then.

I can't tell if I don't want to fix our relationship because it's at that point where it's causing more trouble then it should and it should be let go, or if I'm just convincing myself that that is the case, because when it comes to life change is the name of the game. All I know is that I'm not exactly tired of going in circles with you but I do really wish that that wasn't the case.

So what do I do