Out of reasons (Boy × Boy) ✔

Chapter Twenty-nine

On Christmas Day we had the house just for the two of us, just like Kuisma had promised. We took forever before getting off the bed, because we had nowhere to be and nothing to do.

Kuisma made breakfast and I was instructed to wait at the table. I seized the opportunity to look at my soon-to-be boyfriend. I saw him with fresh eyes now that I knew what he had been through.

Kuisma hadn't been kind to me because of pity, but because he knew what it felt like to be hurt. He knew what it was like to have nightmares or to be pulled back into unwanted memories. He understood me and I understood him.

"Why are you smiling like that?" Kuisma narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

"Just looking at how handsome you are. A sight like that would make anyone smile." I patted my eyes innocently.

Kuisma mumbled: "Why did I even ask?" and turned away quickly, but I had already spotted the blush on his cheeks.

We were both tired, probably from staying up late, so after breakfast we nestled on the sofa and watched It's a Wonderful Life. To be honest, I wasn't just tired, there was still an unfamiliar feeling left from the flashback I got yesterday.

I was bothered by a memory that was right there at the back of my mind, but which I couldn't quite reach no matter how hard I tried. I knew I should stop thinking about it, to leave it be. I tried watch the movie, but my mind kept wandering. Funniest part was that all I could remember, no matter the effort, was an old mahogany door.

"..thinking?" Only then I realized Kuisma had been talking to me.

"What?"

"I asked what you're thinking about", Kuisma repeated.

"Nothing", I mumbled, which wasn't far from the truth. After all, all I was thinking about was some random door. I nestled more comfortably against Kuisma and we continued watching the movie.

Until I pulled out of Kuisma's embrace to look at him. "Want to be my —?"

"Yes, definitely", Kuisma answered before I could finish the sentence.

"Really? You already knew what I was going to ask you?"

"Well, I really hope you didn't want me to be your study buddy.." Kuisma mumbled and grinned amusedly.

"What's wrong with being my study buddy?" I joked back.

"If you want, I can be that too", Kuisma promised and then the expression on his face turned serious: "I want to be your boyfriend. I was going to ask you about that today, actually."

"Then let's date."

***

"Sure you want this?" Kuisma asked — again. He was laying on my bed, in our flat, on top of me and shirtless. Of course I was sure I wanted that. Although, to be fair, I had been certain the first two times too, but eventually I just couldn't do it.

"Yes." I hoped he would stop asking. I was getting frustrated with myself. I knew what I wanted, but it was so damn hard.

I pulled Kuisma closer, one palm on his lower back and another on the back of his neck. When we kissed and when he touched me, he was ever so gentle, but I had no doubt he wanted to go all the way. Kuisma hesitated before he started opening the zipper of my jeans. We had been there two times already and each time it had triggered the memories.

"Wait. I'll do it", I told him abruptly when I realized there was a pattern and I could break it by taking the control to myself. As it was working, I felt silly it took me so long to fathom something so obvious.