Dance Through Trauma

April 5, 2021

I'm not sure what I should do with my life. Should I continue hoping for something tragic to happen to me or should I attach myself to the idea of how life is a "gift" to us humans? From Xander's point of view, I don't desire to live nor to die; he just exists. However, Steven is different as he is an emotional entity, so he must either enjoy life or not because he has tried to stick with Xander's point of view but it doesn't work. Should he try harder? Should he just enjoy living life like many humans? If so, he will suffer with anxiety of dying because of PTSD and OCD. So, just waiting for death to arrive sounds great, right? Well, I feel depressed with this way of thinking, which does nothing for me because I'm not motivated enough to commit suicide. Like, I just don't want to do it because of Xander. He doesn't wish to die but nor live, so at least he has control there, but Steven is making my mental health more challenging. So, what should I do? Is it life or death? If I could just die now, I would be fine with it, or if I could just live now, like not just exist, but "live" my life, I would be fine with it. But, the problem is that my brain is mentally ill, so how can I work this out? I would speak to a therapist if I could see one but I wouldn't be able to communicate all of this to them, so therefore I would receive no help. Socializing in person is challenging for me as an autistic person. I could text a therapist and communicate every one of my thoughts to them, but they don't have that available. I don't blame this one my autism, I blame this on society for not providing more options to the autism community. Maybe if they made things more easier for me, then I would have figured out my thoughts by now. Well, they're Steven's thoughts, not Xander, who I like to identify with. I'll figure it out right now, so let me try. So, I can wait for death, but while I wait, do I really want to keep handling all this emotional distress? I don't know when I'm going to die. I could die next year or in 80 years. If I'm destined to die in 80 years, do I really want to choose a lifetime wishing for death, or should I "live" it? If I choose so, I, Steven, must desire to live and I must love life, but how can I do that if my PTSD will make me fear people and how can I do that if my OCD will make me fear even the smallest things in life will lead me to death? I've learned how to cope with OCD from ERP therapy, so I can try it out with OCD until the OCD theme goes away or improves. With PTSD, that one will be hard. No matter what I've tried with it, so that it improves, it still stays on the same level of severity. I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with that, and again, I can get a therapist, but I can't afford a therapist as I have no medical insurance. The clinic I go to is giving free appointments to their clients as of now but when they no longer do that, I don't want to stop therapy abruptly only because I don't have the money to pay for it. So, what can I do with this? I honestly don't know, but I'll figure it out somehow, but if not, at least I know how to cope with it. So, I can choose to enjoy living, instead of waiting for death, but it's really hard to decide. I can choose to enjoy life but I'm so afraid of letting myself enjoy life. Should I just let myself enjoy it and not worry about anything? But, what if one day, I come close to dying and then I start feeling all kinds of emotion because of how I may wish to keep on living. I don't want to be like "I don't want to die, please." because it's such a horrible feeling even though I've never felt it. Well, if that ever happens, I'll try my very best to awake Xander and put Steven to sleep as much as I can, but honestly, it doesn't matter. If Steven takes over my body at the near moment of my death, then it is what it is. I only try to take over Steven if he's causing emotional distress on my physical body because Xander depends on the body in order to continue to exist. Yeah, he doesn't desire to live nor die, but he still makes sure the body doesn't break down because he depends on it to exist because Xander likes to see things. However, if he dies, he dies. Xander is just an entity that exists to see anything interesting. When he's interested in something, it's not exactly the way humans feel. It's more like staring at something because it simply has your attention. What I mean about his interest in seeing things, it's connected to what I just said about just staring at something that's eye-catching. Xander can not feel emotion, so he's not going to emphasize anything like emotional beings do. Oh, how do I love this concept of Xander and the city of Alpha. Yeah, Xander is me, but again, I prefer to talk about myself from a third-person point of view since it's more comfortable. Talking about myself, my true self, makes me feel so content through my emotional human brain. Being Xander means there's no problems, because the universe is an illusion anyway, so nothing really matters. This perspective takes all the stress from my life and makes me live peacefully. Steven really wants to be Xander, but he's still attempting to be. He never will be Xander 100%, but he still tries to be Xander the most that he can be because then, Steven will be at peace. He already feels that result from Xander, but the more he absorbs Xander's mentality, the more he feels safe and content. That's the biggest desire that Steven has right now. Life would be so peaceful that way, but for now, attempts will be made.

- April 5, 2021