Camp HawkThorne

Chapter One- Love Is A Dog Named Gracie Lou

Camp HawkThorne is not a normal camp; You should know that first and foremost. In 1999, I met the love of my life at Camp HawkThorne. Our love was like a dove soaring above a chapel, giving his all just to be returned to his cage once the spectacle is over. Like a dove, I will only be free with the permission of others and for a brisk moment, I understood why birds break their necks on windows. If you went to Camp HawkThorne today, you would think it was just piles of rubble, old, mite-infested wood left to rot. To me, the summer of 99' at that camp changed my life forever. This must all be so confusing to an outsider like you, allow me to start from the beginning.

June 26th, 1999

It's the first day of summer, I'm seventeen and pissed off about it. The loud hum of the a/c unit stuck in the window filled the room. I'm sitting on the hardwood floor of my bedroom, my knees busted and my cheeks flushed. My mother walks into the room with a baby on her hip who may be considered to be my little brother, depending on who you ask. My red curls rest on my shoulders, my green eyes are following her across the room. She pulls my suit case out of the closet and drops it on my bed. "Last year at CHT, are you sad? Are you excited!?" She's flooding me with questions but my only response is an eye-roll. She takes a big sigh and walks out and down the stairs. My mom doesn't understand anything besides how to get on my nerves. My cattle dog rushed into the room and smothers me in kisses. A cattle dog named Gracie Lou is my best friend and to some, this is embarrassing but to me, it is a point of pride. She knows what it is like to be a girl in a world that looks at you as smaller and therefore less important. Gracie Lou listens and she loves, I wish more people could be like her.

My mother hollers for me to come down stairs to eat and I come down begrudgingly. She offered me a toaster waffle but I prefer an apple. We get into my mothers sedan and head to the church 2 miles down the street. An ugly skirt, ruffled socks, my wild hair tamed now, as if you declawed a tiger, I am left helpless. I look out the back window as we drive and the truth is, I can't wait to go to camp. Why are we, as humans, always so excited to get away? Vacation, a big move, or going to camp, we are always excited to escape even if just for a minute. I am no exception. We are at church now and I go to the youth group. Our 'youth' pastor seemed to be missing part of the requirement for the role. An old man waited at the door as the christian kids, including myself, streamed into the door, he tells us that the lord is proud that we came today. I want to tell him the lord said I have no choice. I look at these kids around me, sleepy eyed and nicely dressed, like 25 dolls dressed up with shiny glass eyes. He tells us that today, we will learn about the lord's will. As he speaks, I zone out and I wonder if the lord told him these things or if it is just hear-say. My mother calls me a hellion, she says i'm rebellious, and angsty. I want to tell her that she makes me want to pack a bag and run as far as I can. I don't know what's wrong with me but I know that this is not the life that I am meant to live. The 'youth' pastor tells us that we must be a certain way for god to love us. All I can think is that Gracie Lou loves me unrequitedly.

When I arrive home, I run to my room and close my door behind Gracie Lou who is hot on my trail. I packed my suitcase excitedly and pretend like I am going to run away. Pretend that just for a moment, I can pack a suitcase, call a taxi who will let us ride for free, and he will take me wherever misunderstood teenagers go. The reality is that I finished packing and leave my suitcase beside my door. I crawl into bed and Gracie Lou follows me there too. I kiss her forehead and tuck us in together. I tell her not to worry about my two week absence. I tell her she can sleep in my bed and I will think about her every single night. I tell her she does not have to be a certain type of way. As my eyes flutter closed and my eyelids become heavy, I whisper one more thing to my baby as I reach to turn off my lamp. I tell her, "I love you no matter what".