Dance Through Trauma

April 9, 2021

I'm not feeling well right now. Why are neurodivergents so discriminated against? I had to witness my mother's boyfriend getting angry at my little brother with ADHD because he was talking a lot and moving around a lot. It's in his genetics, and it's part of who he is! My brother wasn't doing anything that would have hurt himself or others, so why can't he be himself? Some neurotypicals just don't understand our differences, so they want us to change and be like them. Stop judging and let us be! It's so annoying seeing such ableist people. I talked to my mom about the ignorance in our world because of how people perceive of autistic people. It makes me so angry that so many people like me have to go through trauma for our differences. Like seriously, I am so tired of the hate in the world! When will some humans learn that not everyone wants to be like them? When will this ignorance end? I was seriously born at the wrong time. I'm so sorry Damian that you have to go through such hard times only because people can't accept you. My mom has told me that her boyfriend used to tell her that Damian was just "not raised well" for his hyperactive behavior. It's not surprising as he has said before that the United States only makes up mental conditions for money. Coming from someone who has a history of domestic violence, it's not surprising that he discriminated against Damian as people like him are usually very closed-minded. He's also done similar things to my autistic brother Ovi, so imagine what he would say to me after I do something that he doesn't like because it's autistic behavior and not "normal." Hopefully, I say nothing to him if that ever happens because if I do, he will probably end up hurting me physically out of anger. My mom really wants to move out already, but she can't because she hasn't received any money from her brother yet. Once we get the money, then we can move out. My mom doesn't work due to her boyfriend, so she has no money. I try my very best not to worry about these things though. I like to dance through everything in order to thrive emotionally. I just don't like discrimination against people like me because it's not fair. But, that's how it is these days on this planet. I'm so disappointed with humanity, but I hope we become our best version someday because the version we are now completely sucks! I won't be alive to see that day, but if our species wants to live for a long time, then we better improve! But for now, I shall avoid human beings for good! I will no longer share my personal thoughts on social media. I'm not going to deal with toxic humans anymore, I want to be at peace and that will only happen without humans in my life. I seriously had to bear so much trauma as a child and even got sexually assaulted by a school friend, who I texted through email. The problem was that I trusted so many people in my life too much, which led to many betrayals. I trust easily, or even after people show their bad side and start showing their good side again, I feel that they're good, when they're actually evil. I feel so sorry for everyone who has had to go through trauma in our world. It will unfortunately continue to happen until humans are at their highest point of intelligence because we seriously suck right now. I'm not going to let myself be blinded by the lies of people. Why has nearly everyone that I've come across turned out to be on the negative side? So many people with bad intentions! There needs to be more good, but who knows when it'll happen. All of this just makes me want to die, but I tell myself just to continue on living and wait for life to get better. For now, I will just dance, and I mean seriously! I like to dance to music mentally and physically. When it's mentally, I usually do it while watching live performances on YouTube and I pretend to be whoever I'm watching perform whether it's Twenty One Pilots or Selena Quintanilla. Music really helps me stay happy throughout my life. I honestly wouldn't be alive right now if it weren't for music. I probably would have committed suicide a few years ago, but thanks to music, I'm alive today. I just like to be happy through music, and it's one of the biggest reasons why I continue to stay alive, especially because of musicians like Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, Twenty One Pilots, Nicki Minaj, Adele, and Selena Quintanilla. So, happy shall I be till death. I just wonder how I'm going to deal with people when I have severe PTSD that causes me to fear everyone, and honestly, my PTSD is right. I have to fear people, or else I will end up hurt again. I've been through bullying, sexual abuse, and other things no one should ever experience. I don't want to relive those moments again. I'm fine alone anyway, but I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to work in the future to keep myself alive. No one can convince my traumatized brain that the world is safe out there, so no matter what, I will always have social phobia. The most dangerous thing on our planet are ourselves. I'm literally ashamed of calling myself a human being because I don't want to have any sort of connection with a species full of evil. Yes, there is good within us, but it's not everyone. Just look at what happened with Selena Quintanilla. She was an amazing and talented star whose career was growing day by day until her most trusted friend shot her to death. You can't even trust the people closest to you. It's so unfortunate, but the universe led me here, and it is what it is. I just have to stay happy as much as possible while I'm alive until the day I die. Oh how I wish I could live by myself already, but I can't even work due to mental illness. It's just not my PTSD that interferes with my ability to function at a job, but also my OCD and Bipolar Disorder. So, how can I work with so much mental torture! That way, I won't have to depend on anyone nor do I have to live with humans. The only humans I'd live with are my mom and my little siblings, but I can't live with them forever. Plus, I rather live alone. I will be so happy that way, but it's impossible right now. I wish having a home was a right, not a privilege, and I wish money wasn't how the world works. But again, humans need money to control their greeds, so it has a good reason for it. I will probably end up homeless someday despite being disabled. I'm unable to work, yet social security takes a long time to process everyone's applications and ends up denying most of the applicants, even those who are obviously disabled, like wow, the corruption in the United States has to seriously end! I feel so sorry for the disabled homeless people out in the streets with no access to a shelter and bathroom. I'm sorry that our government failed you. It's not surprising though as evil happens to run the world. I know I have two personalities or minds and one of them doesn't believe in morality nor anything human-like (Xander), but as Steven, how can I ignore this? It makes me so angry that innocent people have to die because of evil. This is why I have trust issues with humans. But, I have to try my best to push Steven away and stick with Xander, so whatever I see is just there. Going back to music, I'm really in love with Taylor Swift's re-recorded version of her 'Fearless' album! Thank you Taylor for another boost of serotonin! See how music makes me happy? It's one of the best ways to help me cope with mental illness, especially with PTSD. It reminds me that there are still good people out there like my favorite musicians. I just still wonder how I can avoid people without PTSD like I don't want the illness but I want to avoid people and be by myself, so that I am safe and healthy. Then, my life will be forever in peace. I mean yeah, it would be nice to have friends, but I'm not going to risk being hurt ever again, especially as my brain is built to be more vulnerable than people with healthy brains. I'm fine alone anyway, so loneliness isn't hard on me. And yeah, having good friends is such a good feeling. I remember all my online friends from years ago, and even though most of them turned away from me, the good times we had were just amazing. It makes me want to cry because of nostalgia, but I can't keep looking at the past, I must look forward to the future, in order to be happy.

- April 9, 2021