DEAREST MAR ━━ marlene mckinnon

i. dark paradise

ONE. DARK PARADISE

( and there's no remedy for memory,
your face is like a melody,
it won't leave my head )

EARLY AUGUST 1981

DEAREST MAR,

The world seems to be fading around me, each lost in their own universe, in their own sense. The order does not even seem to care that they have lost another, another bright soul, another somebody to light up their days. My soul was ever so shattered upon hearing the news, my heart aching when I received your tawny and joyful cat of a Patronus.

Your voice was haunting, ringing in my ears as the faintest of whispers tumbled from your mouth in desperation. "Help me, Carina." You'd whispered, gnawing on me like the ghostlike effervescence of your once smooth voice.

I've been hearing that same voice every single day since your passing, Mar. I'd always hoped that your voice would be the one to stay with me for the rest of my life, and it has, but not in the way that I intended it to.

I wish your voice was ephemeral, instead of echoing in my ears and mind at night like I was under some sort of punishment, hearing your strained and tortured voice begging for the help that I could not provide you with.

The nightmares were sweaty and razor-sharp, revealing to me the ways that you could have met your end. It was wicked and endless, Marlene.

In one you would be screaming my name tirelessly, bloodshot, your entire body covered in crimson from head to toe, while in another, Voldemort's blood-red eyes would be boring into mine, taunting me by whispering. Whispering about how he had taken one of the things that I cherished the most from me, and had enjoyed doing exactly so.

I fear I am going mad without you, my love.

Everything seems like a blur, a haze, and I cannot even think or see straight. All I can see is you. Vivid and especially terrifying is the image of you laced inside my head, your blue eyes no longer having that lively sparkle in them, your skin drained of all its color.

You haunt me, Marlene, and I do not know if that is a boon or a bane.

Lily seems down lately, I am growing worried for her. She would often be seen with a pale face, her green eyes losing their cheerful glimmer, something that both you and I know only occurs when the most horrible of events happen.

She wore that same mask when her parents passed away.

Sirius has been helping me, and I am extremely grateful that he's always around, buying me my favorite chocolates and trying to cheer me up by pulling pranks on Remus and James, who are not amused at his antics at all.

Remus has been an absolute sweetheart too, trying to keep me busy with hobbies like painting and singing. Sirius jokingly complains that I am stealing his boyfriend from him, and those are the moments when everything seems normal -- like you didn't leave us for good.

But you did.

FOREVER AND
ALWAYS YOURS,
CARINA LYRA BLACK