How To Irritate A Pirate

Patch

This is a personal and sorta general rant. I decided to write this just because.

That, right there. With his smug little grin and crazy eyes and cutsie face, is a dog OF PURE EVIL. You may think he's innocent but trust me he is anything but. He smells awful, he farts all the time, he has fluff EVERYWHERE, he licks you all the time, he makes a mess EVERYWHERE, he eats EVERYTHING and laughs at you while he's doing it. Literally. Look at him he's doing it now!

My idiotic dog has gone too far. He has not SHUT UP for three nights in a row with his continuous barking and yet just to spite me, what does he do during the day? He sleeps. Like, seriously?! Can you tease me anymore you fat, stupid ball of fluff! His tail is like a windmill, if anything is in radius of that massive BOOMERANG of a tail its gone or broken or eaten or disappears. If you sit on the couch you get covered in fluff, if you lie on your bed you get covered in fluff, if you sit down on a chair you get a fat dog on top of you either licking you in the face or smacking you in the face.

Yes. My dog knows how to smack people in the face. We first called it a Hi Five but he translated it into how to get away with assault. If he doesn't get petted, SMACK! If he is asleep and is dreaming a good dream, SMACK! If you tell him to stop licking you, SMACK! Basically, SMACK! Right this very moment he's hitting me because he wants my biscuit. NO! MINE!

He's so fat that when he sits on you, he knocks the wind out of you. He doesn't do what he's told because he translates that as, Hahaha! You kidding?

And yet he runs into closed doors, climbs onto tables, knocks over tables and cups and plates and whatever else he can find. My dog is so smart, he's an idiot.

And who gets the blame for his manic behaviour, his continuous barking, his general overweightness? Oh no, not my parents, no way. Me. I blame the Phantom Cutsie Face. Seriously, look at that face! How can you blame that face for anything?!

No one can take him for walks because no one calls them walks anymore. More like, how to survive being dragged up a mountain by a crazy Border Collie Cross who hates cars, sheep, cows and anything that moves. Oh and probably has super human strength or pulling power or control over gravity or whatever. We have a muzzle but he manages to get out of it if it isn't tied straight up to his head so you think your strangling him. Him making whiny noises doesn't help and yet once he's out of it he's got his nose in between your legs and starts smacking the daylights out of it! Not a pretty picture, especially when he ruins my favourite pair of jeans!

But despite all of that, he's my dog. Yeah, he's an insufferable dolt at times and too smart for his own good at others but he's the only dog I got. And the fact he's bloody cute seems to help.